Halfway Gone
by thetwilightsisters
Summary: When Edward collides into Bella's life he takes away her will to live. Can the person who destroys everything be the only one to save her from the darkness. Rated M for dark themes. All HUMAN
1. Poison

**This is our very first fan fiction. Each chapter will be written in alternate POV's. Edward will be written by JL and Bella will be written by E. We hope you like our story.**

**We would like to thank nikkipattinson and Kayla Cullen from Twilighted and nijiska and sirenastarot from Project Team Beta. All these lovely ladies were beta's for this chapter.**

**Disclaimer - We do not own Twilight or any characters. Stephenie Meyer owns everything**

Edward~

I hoped Tanya was ready for some lovin' because it has been three fucking days, and to tell you the truth, I wasn't too impressed with her withholding sex. Apparently, asking her if she had been eating more of those Krispy Kreme donuts I knew she liked implied that I thought she was a whale, and she hadn't spoken to me for three days. _Why did chicks always go to the extremes? _Three days might not have seemed a long time for some, but I was a man, and any real man that claims sex wasn't the main thing on his mind was a fucking pussy.

Surveying the room, I knew I really needed to clean my apartment. It was fucking filthy. Since I had to let the last maid go for having sticky fingers, I hadn't gotten around to picking shit up yet. There were clothes strewn from one end of my apartment to the other, and it had gotten to the point where I had begun pushing stuff off my black leather couch onto the floor. God knew Tanya wouldn't come over to lift a finger. No, not princess; she was far too interested in brushing her hair or whatever shit it was that women did. Don't get me wrong, Tanya was one hot piece off ass and I did appreciate the fact she looked after herself, but I really wondered if all that effort was worth it. She could wear a paper bag over her head, and I would still fuck her.

Tanya knew she had a good thing with me, and while she didn't have Martha Stewart homebody skills, it was just so much easier to have her around. Knowing that I had my next blow job lined up whenever I wanted made me sleep easier at night.

Life had dealt me some pretty awesome cards, with my father being the Chief Resident doctor at Forks County Hospital; I hadn't really felt the need to exert myself. Carlisle had set up rather large trust funds for both his boys and even though my brother Emmett wasn't smart enough to take advantage of the lifestyle that kind of money could provide, I sure as hell did. Putting it simply, I hadn't worked a day in my life aside from the one day Forks High School had career day, but really, I had spent that day at the hospital chatting up the pretty nurses. Even when I was a kid I was hot.

I tugged my arms through my leather jacket and grabbed my keys and phone off the T.V. stand. Taking a quick glimpse into the hallway mirror, I ran my fingers through my hair; tugging and pulling to try and tame the unruly bronze mop. It was fruitless, but who cared. I was already hot and chicks loved sex hair anyway.

Emmett, the golden child, had called me earlier wanting to meet at the dingy little dive bar in Port Angeles that we often frequented, to discuss our mother's birthday over a couple of beers. It was still three weeks away, and I didn't understand why we needed to discuss it so early. It was not like I would forget. I might be a jerk but I loved my mother, even if she nagged the shit out of me about getting a job. Esme had always loved me no matter what trouble I'd gotten myself into. She was the one to stick up for me - the first one to bail me out; the least I could do was buy her a fucking present.

Unlike Emmett, I didn't feel the need to be a complete suck. I didn't need the approval of daddy dearest to lead a fulfilling life, this was why, (much to Carlisle's dismay), I had never gone to college. Emmett, however, had a fucking halo around the top of his head and pair of fluffy white wings to match. The truth of the matter was that Emmett was far too concerned with what everyone else thought, and I for one, didn't give a shit. I did what I wanted; it wasn't like I was hurting anyone.

Patting my pockets down, I collected my crap and walked out the door. I checked the lock three times before I resolved it was locked. You could never be too sure. I may not have obtained my possessions through hard work, but I still didn't want any of them to go missing.

Walking into the parking lot of my apartment, I stopped and stared, gazing at the magnificence before me. I had never seen anything like her; she was sexy and so fucking perfect that my dick almost started to stir. Taking one step forward, my breathing hitched as I ran my hands down the sleek contours of her outer exterior, gently stroking her hood and leaning in to whisper, "Penny, you ready to go for a ride?" My phone buzzed in my pocket, bringing me out of my stupor, and I got in the fucking car.

Emmett had called me a tool for naming my car, but he was a jealous son of a bitch. He had always wanted an Audi. When I rocked up three weeks ago to the family dinner, driving a sexy black Audi A5, he had practically jizzed his pants. Remembering the look on his face made me smile as I pulled into the driveway of the bar.

I didn't see Emmett's car anywhere, which shouldn't have surprise me, because he couldn't be on time if his dick depended on it. I took my phone out of my pocket and read the message.

Late, be there ASAP - Em

As I climbed out of the car I mumbled profanities under my breath and headed inside. I ordered myself a beer and waited, and waited...and waited. I fucking waited forty-five minutes before he pushed through the glass door.

"Sorry man, I just couldn't get away. I had to take Jessica Stanley back through the house on Johnson Street, because she can't make up her pretty little head if it's got enough closet space... fucking chicks. You up for another one?" he asked as he picked up and examined my empty beer glass.

"Yeah, you're buying. Since you're a working man now, I'm sure you can afford it" I smirked at him and shook my head as he walked up to the bar and ordered us another two beers. The chick behind the bar looked over her shoulder and grinned at me, licking her top lip slightly, trying to get a rise out of me. This wasn't a really fucking hard thing to do since I hadn't been laid in days. But bar maids were not my type, and I wasn't in the mood to lead her on. Tanya was giving me blue balls, and I was going to put an end to it. I would buy her some fucking flowers or some chocolates, if it meant my nether regions would get some action. Once I was done with my brother, I was going over to her place. I wasn't even going to bother calling to see if she was home, because she wouldn't fucking answer my calls anyway.

Emmett pushed the beer across the table and it slid in front of me. "So, it's Mom's birthday in a few weeks, and I thought maybe we should do something special for her. Dad wants us to throw her a big party, but I told him that with work commitments I might find that pretty hard. Considering it's only three weeks away it's really not that much time to organize. You do know it's in three weeks don't--"

"Do you think I don't know when her birthday is?" I interrupted, spilling half my beer across the table. "Fuck... just because I'm not Daddy's little poster child doesn't mean I don't know when my own mother's birthday is. Has anyone stopped to ask Mom what she might like to do? It is after all her fucking day." My blood was starting to boil and I wanted out of there.

"Gee, Edward, calm the fuck down. Why you so uptight? Did you piss Tanya off again?" He snorted as he chuckled that much he almost spat his beer in my face.

"Fuck this shit, I'm outta here." I pushed away from the table, scraping the wooden chair along the floor and peered down at Emmett

"How about I call our mother and ask her what she might like to do for her birthday. I'll get back to you on that one, so don't worry your puny little brain about organizing any thing, fuck." Turning, I threw some change down on the table, which was pretty much all Emmett was worth to me at the moment, and stormed out of the bar into the waiting arms of Penny.

Turning up my music full blast, I leaned back and rested my arms on the cool leather interior of my car. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and inhaling the new car smell that made me all light-headed and happy. The sounds of Debussy filled the car, calming me. I didn't know why I let Emmett get to me, but I sure as hell couldn't go over to Tanya's acting like a pissed of jerk if I expected to get my dick sucked.

Driving back into Forks, I pulled over at the closest gas station and turned the car off. I jumped out and went inside to find some sort of gift reasonable enough to give to a pissed off girlfriend. I settled on a bunch of flowers, thinking that chocolate might not go down to well considering the context of our argument. I wasn't too sure what kind of flowers they were, but they sure as hell made my nose itch. I couldn't for the life of me understand why chicks found the idea of flowers romantic. The guy behind the counter smirked at me, probably assuming I was planning on doing some sucking up. He could kiss my ass.

Putting my foot down on the accelerator, Penny purred and I felt her vibration under my feet. The car made me feel like a king. I saw people turning their heads as I drove by much faster than the legal limit. I was a speed freak. The powerful feeling went to my head, shaking away any insecurity I had about showing up unannounced at Tanya's. Looking up into the rear view mirror I caught a glimpse of myself and winked, Y_ou're fucking Edward Cullen. How could she not want you?_ I thought, tilting my head back with a half cocked smile.

Forks High School flashed past me; a place I surley didn't miss. My head started to hurt just thinking that even in high school, I was living under Emmett's shadow. Not only was he the most popular guy in school, he was the captain of the football team, and all I had was straight A's on a piece of fucking paper. That was just another thing that pissed me right off. People assumed that because I didn't attend college, that I was a fucking dipshit. The truth of the matter was, I could do or be anything I wanted.

I turned onto Tanya's street and her apartment was already in view with her pink fairy fucking floss Corolla sitting in its usual spot. _Shit, that car was embarrassing._ I had flat out refused to ever been seen driving in it. I had a reputation to uphold and that car definitely wouldn't help. My nerves had settled. _How hard could it be_? I would give her the flowers, call her baby a few times, and she would be putty in my hands; well, maybe silicone.

Running my fingers through my hair, I started my ascent up the stairs to her front door. I heard the pounding of the music half way up the stairs. I groaned when the lyrics from Alice Cooper's 'Poison', became audible.

_Your mouth, so hot_

_Your web, I'm caught_

_Your skin, so wet_

_Black lace, on sweat_

_I hear you calling and its needles and pins (and pins)_

_I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name_

_Don't wanna touch you but you're under my skin (in deep)_

_I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous, poison_

What was the point in knocking? She wasn't going to hear me, so I bent down to collect the key from its fucking brilliant hiding place and kicked the potted plant with my boot to shove it back into place. Pushing the key into the lock, I turned the knob, still clutching the bunch of flowers in one hand looking like the pussy that I was. My mouth fell open and a strange choking noise escaped my throat as I stared wide-eyed into the room.

I took in the scene in front of me. Tanya was bent over the couch at the waist, glistening and wet, being slammed into by some guy's cock. He slapped her ass a few times, pulled on her long blonde ponytail, and she fucking moaned. She hadn't even noticed me; it was like my own private porn show. Turning her head to gaze at the fucker fucking her, all the blood drained from her face.

"WHAT THE HELL, Edward? Fuck! I swear it's not what it seems. Jason, get the fuck off me." Searching around furiously for her clothes, she pushed her little boy toy in front of me, and I punched him in the fucking face. He went down like a sack and I ignored the fact that my knuckles cracked as I made contact with his face.

"Edward, please, stop and listen to me." Tanya pleaded.

"DON'T, just fucking don't. How could you? Why would you? You had everything every girl in this fuck of a town wants, and you throw it away for what, a five inch flaccid cock? Fuck you." I threw the flowers on the floor and crushed the petals with my shoes as I got the fuck out of there. Tanya had the nerve to start the water-works as she chased after me; trying to grab and pull on my jacket as I ran down the stairs. I flicked her off me and reached Penny, unlocking the door and screeching away in a matter of seconds. I needed air. I let the windows down, taking in a deep breath. I wished I still smoked, but Esme had guilted me into quitting that shit.

I couldn't fathom why any chick in their right mind would ever cheat on me. I had everything; money, looks, confidence, and the biggest fucking cock this town had ever seen, and fuck could I use it. I slammed my fist onto the steering wheel, making the horn beep. It was fucking pitch black out and it had started to rain hard; just what I needed. My phone buzzed in my pocket, but I ignored it, pushing my foot down on the accelerator. The speedometer ticked over to ninety-three miles per hour. My phone buzzed in my pocket again, and I reached into it and fished it out; flipping it open to see Tanya's name flash up on the screen.

"WHAT?" I yelled into the phone. I was having trouble concentrating on steering straight, so I placed the phone between my ear and shoulder.

"Edward, please, baby, let me explain."

"Tanya, there is nothing to explain. You were a whore when I met you and you're still a whore when I'm done with you. Just remember, you had the privilege of sucking on Edward Cullen's nuts." I slammed the phone shut and it slipped out of my hands and onto the floor under the pedals.

"Fuck", I said, reaching down to pick it up, I held the steering wheel with one hand, which was not a fucking easy thing to do when your over six feet tall. I felt Penny's front right wheel dip into a hole on the road, and my hand slipped off the wheel. Penny veered, and the rest happened in slow motion.

Screeching tires. Flashing lights. Horns. Screams. Dark....

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	2. Angel of Mine

**Disclaimer - We do not own Twilight or any characters. Stephenie Meyer owns everything.**

_I look at you, lookin' at me_  
_ Now I know why they say the best things are free_  
_ I'm gonna love you boy you are so fine_  
_ Angel of Mine_

_- Monica_

Bella ~

"Beeeellllllllaaaaaa, this is soooooo boring. Can we just hurry up and go?"

"Rose, I told you that I wanted to find some new books to read before the baby arrives. If you're just going to whinge and whine the whole time you shouldn't have come."

Rose was one of my best friends, but sometimes she was a real pain in the ass - my ass specifically. I had told her this morning when she called that I was planning to go into Port Angeles to go to some book stores, and she had thought that it would be a great idea to tag along. As soon as the words had come out of her mouth I knew that she had ulterior motives, and I had been right.

She had said that this would be a great opportunity to shop for some sexy lingerie, and in her words, 'get my vagina a good workout' before it closed up shop once the baby was born, because who knew when I would have sex again.

She had such a wonderful way with words; maybe she should have become the teacher instead of me. No, I quickly shook that thought out of my head. I would hate to think what sort of mental scarring she would cause innocent children with what comes out of that mouth of hers.

"And anyway, Rose, I already told you I am not going into a lingerie shop. I am seven months pregnant and look like a beached whale."

"Oh come off it, Bella, you know that Sam thinks you are beautiful. He absolutely adores you," Rose said from behind the Kama Sutra book she was flicking through. "And you do not look like a beached whale. You were barely showing up until a month ago."

I rolled my eyes even though I knew she was right. Sam told me everyday how beautiful I was when I would complain about how fat I looked, and I knew that I wasn't actually fat. I was growing a new life inside of me, but that didn't mean I wasn't self conscious about the way I looked.

As I ran my finger along the spines of the cooking books, I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my face when I thought about Sam. Sam and I had met in my freshman year of college when I literally fell into his lap, and because I'm Bella, queen of klutziness, it wasn't just any fall; it was a spectacular fall.

_I couldn't believe how crowded the cafeteria had been. After waiting for almost twenty minutes to order my caramel latte, I was now running late for my next class. I decided that it would be quickest if I just cut across the campus gardens, and with any luck I would make it to class before the lecture started._

_I took a sip of my latte then glanced at my watch. I still had about five minutes until class started so I picked up my pace. All of a sudden I felt my foot kick something, and my body jerk forward. My latte went flying through the air, heading straight toward a guy sitting under a tree – I was closely following._

_It all happened so fast. One minute I was walking, minding my own business. The next I was face planted into some guy's latte covered crotch._

_I could feel my face getting hotter by the second, and was pretty sure that I may have invented a new shade of red. I clenched my eyes shut and pulled myself out of my very compromising position as quickly as I could._

_"Oh god, I am so sorry," I said looking anywhere except his face. I saw a large branch lying on the ground and realized that I must have tripped over it._

_"Shit, I spilled my latte on you. I have some tissues somewhere here," I said as I frantically searched around in my purse. I finally found some and pulled them out and was about to start the cleaning process when he stopped me._

_"NO, no, it's fine," he said taking the tissues from me. "I'll do it... thanks."_

_This has to be the most embarrassing moment of my life, I thought to myself. Leave now while you still have some dignity._

_"Umm, again, I'm really sorry, but I have to go," I mumbled as I collected some of the things that had spilled out of my purse and hurried away without looking back._

The next day he found me in the library. He had introduced himself as Sam Parker, and then told me that he was in his third year studying advertising. By the time we were ready to leave, he had asked me out, and the rest, as they say, is history. We will have been married for two years in July this year.

"Bella? Hello, earth to Bella." I snapped my eyes in Rose's direction.

"Sorry, Rose, what did you say?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "I said, what time are you leaving for dinner tonight?"

"Umm, I'm not sure, probably around seven, why?" I had a sneaking suspicion that my day was about to take a turn for the worse.

"Great," Rose said. "That gives us plenty of time to get some shopping in."

"Ahh, I hate to tell you, Rose, but we are already shopping."

"Pfttt, this is not shopping, Bella, now let's go." Rose grabbed my arm and started pulling me toward the door.

"Rose," I huffed, "I am not finished yet," I said as I tried to get my arm out of her grip. "If this isn't satisfying your need for retail therapy, then by all means, go and indulge yourself in some satin and lace, but I am staying here until I find something I like, and then I am going to the baby store to see what else I can stock up on."

She rolled her eyes at me again as she let go of my arm. "Fine, Bella, have it your way, but just so you know, we will be going shopping next week. And when I say shopping, I mean real shopping, none of this book browsing bullshit."

_Did she just say books were bullshit?_ I was starting to get a little pissed.

"Look, Rosalie, no one forced you to come out with me today. In fact, if I remember correctly, it was you that suggested we make a day of it, so don't start bitching to me about what I like to shop for."

Rose turned around and glared at me before she finally let out a deep breath and her blue eyes softened, "You're right; I'm sorry."

I think she felt badly for getting me worked up and decided to change the subject by asking me about the baby. "So, Sam still hasn't let you find out the sex of the bub?"

"No," I said as I moved to the romance section. "He thinks we should wait and be surprised at the birth. It would be so much easier if we knew though, so we could have the nursery decorated properly, and I could buy clothes for a boy or a girl. I have even thought about getting one of those gender scans and not telling him, but I know once I find out, I won't be able to keep it to myself."

Rose chuckled to herself, "Yeah, we all know what a bad liar you are, Bella. You couldn't lie to save your life."

It was true. I was a terrible liar; even I could admit that. I think that's what made me so bad at it, knowing that I sucked at it.

"I wouldn't exactly be lying to him, just not disclosing certain information. There's a difference you know."

Rose laughed, "If you say so, Bella. What about names? Got any in mind?"

"No, I still can't decide. Every name I suggest, Sam says he doesn't like, or he knows someone who used that name for their baby. It's so frustrating. I mean just because someone else used a name that I like for their own kid, doesn't mean it's off limits to the rest of the world. I don't --"

"Bella, stop!" Rose interrupted

"What?" I said, slightly annoyed at being interrupted.

"Who is growing this baby in their body?" Rose asked.

"Ummm… me?" I said, sounding more like a question than an answer.

"And who will be waking up at ungodly hours of the morning to feed the little rugrat?" Rose questioned as she placed her hands on her hips.

"I will be I guess, but -- "

Rose cut me off again. "And what will you be feeding the child with, Bella?"

"Is this going somewhere, Rosalie, because I really don't have time for your silly questions?" I said to her, pretending I didn't know where this was leading, as I matched her stance by placing my own hands on my hips and giving her an annoyed look.

"Just answer the god damn question, Bella."

I let out a breath. "I will probably try breast feeding at first, but I'm sure Sam -- "

"And answer me this, Bella. Who is going to go through an enormous amount of pain for hours, possibly days, to bring this baby into the world by pushing it out of their vagina, probably getting it ripped apart in the process?"

I couldn't stop the small snort and giggle that escaped. "I highly doubt that it will be days, Rose."

Rose didn't answer me. She just stared at me, waiting for my answer, while tapping her foot on the polished floor.

"That would be me," I said as I rolled my eyes.

"My point exactly, Bella, you are going to be doing almost everything for this baby at first. I think it's perfectly reasonable to be able to name the child whatever you damn well want. Stuff Sam and his mumbo jumbo reasons. Pick a name, and just tell him that is what it will be."

"It's not that easy, Rose."

"Yes it is, Bella. Sam is a smart guy. I'm sure he'll do what's best"

"Which is?"

I looked at Rose, and a smile started to spread across my face as we both said at the exact same time, "Not to fuck with a hormonal pregnant woman."

We both burst out laughing, getting strange looks from the other few customers that were in the store. An elderly lady at the end of the aisle gave us a death glare and shook her head as she tried to move away from us as quickly as her walking aid could take her. Rose and I burst into another round of giggles, and I even let out a few snorts.

"Come on, Snortles, let's get you out of here before everyone thinks they have walked into a farm instead of a bookstore," Rose said trying to calm her giggles.

Ah, there it is, that horrible nickname that Sam had so fondly given me on our third date. We had just gone out for lunch in Port Angeles and had decided to get some ice cream for dessert. We had been sitting in the park eating our cones, and Sam made this joke about the shop assistant and her giant duck lips, and I had accidently snorted. I hadn't meant to do it. I had tried so hard to hold it in, but Sam had just kept on joking about the duck girl, and it just slipped out. But naturally it hadn't gone unmissed by Sam, and he had started laughing about my snort, which in turn made me laugh even harder, and the snorts had just kept coming out.

When we'd both calmed down I had been so embarrassed, but he'd told me how adorable it was and it was just another thing he could add to the 'Things I Like about Bella List'. We'd left not long after that, and when he had dropped me off at home and had given me another of his sweet goodbye kisses, he had whispered, "Catch you later, Snortles," and the name has stuck ever since.

"Rose, how many times have I told you not to call me that?" I whined.

"A lot, but that doesn't mean I'll stop," Rose said as we made our way to the register so I could make my purchase.

I handed over my credit card to the sales person, and the sale was completed. I took my new cookbook and two novels, and we made our way to the little café around the corner for some lunch. The café wasn't very busy, so we were quickly seated. I ordered the creamy chicken and mushroom pasta, and Rose decided on the steamed fish and garden salad.

We took a little too long with our lunches because by time we finished it was almost two o'clock, and Rosalie had to be at her parent's house for dinner at five. We paid the bill and made a quick trip to the baby store where I purchased a couple of cute onsie-suits: one white with little teddy bears embroided on the feet and another aqua with a cute animal print on it. I also bought three pairs of booties: lemon, mint, and white.

By the time I dropped Rose off at her place I was so tired that I didn't really feel like going out again, but I knew that once the baby was born it would be harder for Sam and I to take time out and do things as a couple. I decided to take a nice long bath to help sooth my aching body, and I would be as good as new.

As I turned on to my street, the home I had lived in until I was five came into view. My parents, Charlie and Renee, had bought this house when they first got married, but their happiness was short lived. They divorced just before I was due to start school, and my mother moved us to Phoenix.

I could count on my hand the number of times that I had come back to Forks to visit Charlie as a kid. Let's face it, when you're a teenager the last thing you want to do is come to a dreary little town for your summer break and spend your time alone because your father is Chief of Police and a known workaholic.

When Charlie died of a heart attack just before I was due to start college, he left me the house in his will. I felt I owed him something, so I packed all my things and decided it was time for me to make a new start.

When I had told my mother what I was doing, she cried for days. I had insisted that I felt I needed to do this and reminded her that she would not be alone because she had Phil now, whom she had married the previous summer.

It had been the best decision I'd ever made. I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I had found the love of my life here, and we were now going to have our own little family. I couldn't bear to sell the house when Sam and I got married, so we did a little work on it. The money for the work had been a wedding present from Sam's parents, and we now call it home.

I parked my car in the driveway, noticing that Sam was already home as his old red Chevy truck was parked in the street. I hated that thing. In my opinion it was a death trap. It was so old and rusty and made a horrible thumping noise when the weather was cold. But Sam would not get rid of it. It had been a gift from his grandfather when he first got his license, and he just couldn't part with it. Somehow I didn't think it would be much longer before Sam had no choice in the matter; it was definitely on its last legs.

I got out of the car and walked up to the front door. As I turned the key and stepped inside, I could hear Sam talking. It sounded like he was on the phone. I placed my keys in the bowl on the old wooden table by the door and headed toward the kitchen.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" I heard Sam yell into the phone as I came around the corner and stood in the doorway of the dining room. He was standing in the kitchen with his back to me and hadn't noticed I was home.

"Why the fuck didn't you fix this when you had the chance?" he seethed into the phone.

He suddenly turned his body toward me when he heard me gasp at the tone of his voice. "Look, I have to go," he said and quickly slammed his phone shut.

"Everything all right?" I asked quietly. His hands were gripping the kitchen counter, and he breathed out deeply with his eyes on the floor.

"Yeah, everything is fine, baby, just some problems at work," he said looking up at me and relaxing slightly.

"Oh, anything I can help with?" I asked as I walked toward him and wrapped my arms around his waist, leaning my head on his back.

He turned around to face me, his arms wrapping around me in a tight hug. I could feel his tension as he rested his chin on top of my head. "Nothing to worry your sweet little head about," he said as he pulled away slightly and kissed my forehead. "How was your day?" he asked, changing the subject, "You look tired."

"It was good," I said as I stepped out of our embrace and went to the fridge to get myself a glass of orange juice. "I am a little tired though, so I thought I would have a nice warm bath before we went out for dinner."

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, baby. You go do what you need to do. I'm just going to head out for a bit. There is something I forgot I needed to do, but I'll be back soon, and then we'll head out."

"Ok then, don't be too long," I said as I gave him a quick kiss then headed up the stairs with my day's purchases.

Just as I got to the top Sam called to me, "Bella?"

I turned around and smiled at him, "Yes, baby?"

"I love you."

My smile got wider, "I love you too, baby, so much."

Sam smiled and blew me a quick kiss before he turned and headed out the door.

As I turned and headed for the bedroom I still had a stupid grin on my face. Even after five years, Sam and I still had that same love for each other that we did when we first got together. I simply could not imagine my life without him. He was my rock, my everything. He had been there for me in every way possible. We've had our ups and downs, every relationship does, but we still always find our way back to each other. I simply could not wait to start this new chapter of our lives together. He was going to be a fantastic father; I just knew it.

I walked into our bedroom and put my purchases in the walk-in-wardrobe; I'd get them out another time and go through them. I grabbed my robe and made my way to the bathroom and drew myself a bath. I added some of my favorite bath salts, got undressed, and quickly stepped into the water.

The hot water on my skin felt amazing after a long day on my feet. I laid my head back on the bath and started to relax. I didn't know how long I had been lying there - I might have even started to dose off, but I jumped suddenly as I felt a sharp kick to my ribs. I guessed walking around all day I hadn't notice the baby moving much, but I sure felt it now. I lay there in wonder as I watched the movement of my baby on the surface of my skin. It was amazing the feeling of a growing life inside you - a life so pure and innocent. I brought my hand up out of the water and gently placed it on my bump.

"Hello, little one," I said quietly. "I can't wait to meet you." It was unbelievable the amount of love I already felt for this little person, and it would only grow so much more once he or she was here.

I continued watching the small movements until I heard Sam pull up at the house in his truck. I finished up in the bath, put on my robe, and headed back to the bedroom. I quickly got dressed in a new pair of black maternity jeans that I had bought last week, a plain white top that hugged my baby bump, and my dark blue denim jacket. I also threw on a beaded necklace and a pair of black ballet flats. I ran a quick brush through my long brown hair letting my natural curls fall over my shoulders and down my back. I knew that I would be suitably dressed because Sam knew that I hated fancy restaurants.

I headed down the stairs just as Sam was making his way up. We met halfway.

"You look beautiful, Bella, just like always," Sam said as cupped my cheeks in his hands and gave me a soft kiss on the lips.

"Thank you," I whispered as I tried to deepen the kiss and wrap my arms around his neck. Sam let go of my face and reached up to take my hands into his.

"Later," he said as he brought my hands to his mouth and kissed them both. "I'm just going to have a quick shower, and then we can go." I could tell that something was still bothering him so I asked, "Are you sure you're ok, Sam. You look distracted?"

"I'm fine," he replied. "I'll be ready in fifteen minutes," he said as he kissed my forehead and smiled, but it failed to reach his eyes.

"Ok," I said, deciding not to push it any further.

While I waited for Sam I flicked through the TV but found nothing interesting to watch. As I turned the TV off, Sam appeared at the bottom of the stairs, looking visibly more relaxed, dressed in a pair of dark blue jeans and a black button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up slightly.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yep," I said, popping the p.

Sam grabbed my hand, and we headed out the door straight to his truck. _What?_

"Umm, baby, my car is back there," I said as I turned and pointed to my little blue Honda Civic.

"I know, Bella, but we are taking the truck tonight."

"There is no way that I am getting into that rust bucket, Sam. I have told you this before," I said to him with my feet firmly planted on the ground while he held open the door.

"Oh come on, Bella, it will be fine. We need the truck for what I have planned for tonight."

"What _do_ you have planned for tonight?" I asked as I narrowed my eyes at him.

"It's a surprise," he said with a cheeky grin appearing across his face.

"You know I hate surprises, Sam," I groaned.

"Trust me, you will like this one. Now get in," he said as he walked behind and gave my ass a little smack.

"Fine," I huffed, "But just so you know, I'm not liking it so far." I said as I begrudgingly stepped into the truck and sat in the passenger seat as it started to rain lightly.

Sam just laughed as he made his way around to the driver's side and got in. We put our seatbelts on, and Sam started the car. Surprisingly it came to life on the first try. "See, told you everything would be fine," he said cockily as we pulled away from the curb and headed down the street. I just rolled my eyes.

We sat in comfortable silence for the first few minutes of the trip, and the rain started to come down heavier. I was just about to ask where we were going when Sam laughed quietly to himself.

"What's funny?" I asked as I turned my head to look at him

Sam had a big smile on his face and looked the happiest I had seen him all day. "I was just thinking about what happened today when I had lunch with Embry and Paul. It was so funny, Bella, you would have pissed yourself laughing if you had been there," he said with laughter in his voice.

"What happened?" I said starting to smile

"After we went for a surf, we decided to head to the diner for some lunch. Embry was trying to put some ketchup on his fries but couldn't figure out why nothing was coming out of the bottle even though it was full," he stopped, trying to control his laughter. "He didn't realize that there was some sauce clogging the spout, and he squeezed really hard and ketchup squirted out of it at an angle hitting Paul straight in the eye."

I couldn't stop the loud laugh that came out of me. The fact that this happened to Paul made it even funnier to me. It was well known that Paul and I did not get along. He was arrogant and hot headed, and he thought I wasn't good enough for Sam.

I was clutching my sides laughing when the snorts made their appearance, and because I was laughing so hard, I really couldn't bring them under control.

"Oh, Snortles, stop. You're making me laugh so hard, and I need to concentrate on the road," Sam said, laughing just as much as I was.

My sides were beginning to hurt I was laughing so much. "You should have taken a picture," I said trying to catch my breath.

"I did," he said still chuckling. "It's on my phone."

He handed me his phone, and I scrolled through the pictures until I found the one of Paul with bright red ketchup dripping down his face. I laughed again. "Oh this is priceless. We should frame this," I said as I looked at the photo again, and a new round of laughter began.

I looked over at Sam, and he was looking at me with amusement and love all over his face. "You're so cute, Snortles. I love hearing you laugh."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw bright lights, and I turned to see them coming straight for us

"SAM, LOOK OUT!" I screamed, all laughter gone and replaced by fear.

He turned to look at what I was talking about, but it was too late. The last things I remember were screeching tires. Flashing lights. Horns. Screams. Dark...

**A/N : Well we hope your liking the story after meeting Edward and Bella. Updates will come weekly from here on, probably on a Sunday or Monday depending on where you are. Let us know what you think so far. ~E**


	3. How Does It Feel

**Edwards POV, the aftermath. Please brace yourself there are some very dark chapters ahead of us that some readers may find distressing.**

**Yes Edward is a dickhead and although he may change somewhat throughout the story he will retain some of his dickhead qualities.. But lets just see if there is more to him then meets the eye ;)**

**enjoy..**

**~JL**

**WARNING - Story contains dark themes which my distress some readers. Contains adult themes, language, sex, violence.**

**Disclaimer - We do not own Twilight or any characters. Stephenie Meyer owns everything.**

You live so much its like  
you're dying  
You can't get up your body's  
trying  
Or you're built so tall its like  
you're flying  
But rocks that fall the sky  
keeps climbing

You're gonna lose everything

You're gonna lose everything

You're gonna lose everything

You're gonna lose everything

How does it feel?

How does it feel?

_Chapter song Eskimo Joe- How does it feel_

…

Edward~

The sound of creaking metal shook me from the darkness, and the metallic smell of blood invaded my nostrils. Shards of glass were piercing my skin, and I started spitting pieces of it out of my mouth. The burning smell of Penny's engine woke me from the fog of haziness clouding my mind, and the true extent of my ordeal became apparent.

Searing pain radiated from my left leg, making me scream out loud, and I reached down to try and feel the damage. My fingers slid through warm, viscous blood that was oozing from the open wound on my lower leg, and I felt the sharp point of the bone that had ruptured through my skin. My leg was pinned to the side console and the faint smell of gas alerted my senses that I needed to get the fuck out of the car.

Bending down to try and locate my phone, I wriggled my leg to try and free it. The pain was agonizing and a surge of adrenaline coursed through my body. I felt around for the metal case of my phone and stretched my fingers to gain a firm grip.

Straightening up, I unclipped my seatbelt and felt for the handle of the door. Wrenching the handle, I pushed the stiff door with as much strength as I could with my leg still pinned to the car. The door creaked open with a thud, and I pulled my leg as hard as I could, screaming out profanities into the night air. I fumbled out of the car and collapsed into a breathing, sobbing mess.

The ground was wet and the cold night air started biting into my skin. It was eerily quiet and my body started to shake and tremble. Still clutching my phone, I scampered away from Penny's contorted metal mess.

Trying to gain my balance, I attempted to stand, but the shooting pain in my leg wasn't going to allow me to bear my own weight, so I hobbled as I turned to look into the distance.

I shook my head as I stared in disbelief at the horrific scene in front of me.

A red Chevy truck was laying upturned and crushed in the distance. I quickly flipped my phone open and dialed 911.

"911, what's your emergency, please?"

The calm voice of the women on the other end of my phone echoed through my head, and I opened my mouth to talk, but no words came out.

"Hello? What's your emergency, please?" the operator repeated.

"I…um… I need the paramedics… my car… oh god. There's a truck upside down, I've been in an accident, very bad..." My voice trailed off as shock started to take over, and my body started to shake uncontrollably.

_It was an accident._

"Sir, take a deep breath. Tell me what your location is? Are there any signs near you?"

As I turned my head to look at the large green sign pointing out where we were, my phone beeped, telling me the battery was low.

"I'm on the one-oh-one just past Whitcom Dimmel Road," I stated vaguely. My head was buzzing and I was starting to feel light headed and dizzy. "Please hurry."

"Paramedics are on their way, Sir. Can you tell me your name?" Her calm voice was doing little to relax me, and my response was barely a whisper.

"Edward, my name is Edward Cullen."

"Hello, Edward, my name is Jane. Are you injured, Edward? Do you know how many people are in the other car?"

"Uh, yes, I mean... no..." I dropped the phone as panic-stricken thoughts started to plague me.

_There is no fucking way this is my fault_.

I brushed my thoughts aside for now and decided put all my energy into getting to the truck as quick as possible.

My broken leg was scuffing and dragging along the road as I hobbled toward the truck, and I could hear the faint whimpering of what sounded like a wounded animal. As I got closer to the destruction of the truck, the whimpers turned into screams, and the clear sound a women in agony filled my eardrums.

"SAM, SAM, oh god...HELLO! Can anyone hear me?"

I could hear the screeching of her raspy voice, and I was amazed to think that anyone could still be alive in that rusty crumpled truck.

Dragging my broken leg behind me, I took a deep breath and approached the over-turned vehicle, grimacing as I squatted down to peer through the shattered window.

My mouth gaped open as I took in the two bodies trapped inside the truck.

A man was hanging with one arm dangling down; his body was twisted at an odd angle. Looking closely at his chest, I could see there was no rise and fall of air being pushed in and out of his body, and my blood ran cold when I saw the jagged piece of metal plunged into the side of his ribcage.

My eyes darted to the women strapped in next to him. Her breathing was exaggerated and her face was contorted with pain. Blood was trickling from her nostrils, running down the side of her face.

"Are you hurt?" I know it was a fucking stupid question as soon as it left my lips, but it was all that I could come up with.

Her hand moved to cradle her stomach and my eyes followed, gasping at the realization that she was not only hurt – she was pregnant.

Never before had I wished that I had taken my father's advice and gone to goddamn medical school, because right now I was at a loss for what to do.

"I hit my head on the dash. God, please. Sam," she murmured as her breathing begins to accelerate to the point where she was starting to hyperventilate. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked like she was having trouble focusing on me.

"Look at me. Sam is fine." Even I was not convinced by the tone of my voice, but I figured this was one of those situations when it was best to lie.

"You need to calm down; the EMT's are on the way. What's your name?" My voice sounded colder than I had intended, and the profanities just kept seeping out of my mouth.

"My name is Bella. Don't...don't leave me." Her pained voice sent a chill down my spine and I was confused as to where she thought I was planning on fucking off to.

"What's your name?" she murmured.

"Well, Bella, I'm Edward, and I haven't got any other place to be right now."

Her big chocolate eyes stared at me, glistening with tears, and I realized that in this moment she needed me to take the lead, so I asked about the one thing I knew about her.

"So, Bella, when is your baby due? Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?" The reaction to my question was not what I had expected as her face turned a sickly yellow-white color, and silent tears escaped.

"I... I... I can't feel my baby." The fear in her expression penetrated my soul, and I reached a shaky hand toward her swollen abdomen, feeling for any movement that could indicate life.

Suddenly her hand grasped hold of mine, and she squeezed it painfully tight as an agonized scream escaped her dry lips.

"What? What is it?" My voice was laced with panic as her hand constricted mine.

"FUCK!" she screamed through gritted teeth. The anguish on her face told me that something was very, very wrong, and I started to wonder where the hell the paramedics were because I sure as hell was not equipped to deal with any sort of childbirth.

"The baby… I think I'm in labor, no, no, no, no, no," she said, shaking her head vigorously from side-to-side.

"This is _not_ how things were supposed to happen. I'm only seven months; something is wrong. Oh god...my baby and Sam, I can't do this without him. Why hasn't he woken up?"

Flashing lights flickered on and off in the distance, and I could hear the sound of sirens close by. I didn't think I had ever been so happy to see a police car coming toward me. Suddenly the scene was crowded with paramedics, police and fire fighters.

I felt myself being pulled away from Bella's grasp as she called out to me with more need than I have ever heard. It was futile, and honestly, what the hell was I supposed to do to help her? I would just get in the way; however, a small part of me still wished I could get back to her, to help her or at least hold her hand.

Two paramedics helped me up onto a portable gurney and started to ask me stupid questions like rating my pain from one to ten. I had a fucking bone sticking out of my leg – it was a fucking ten, you cocksucker.

As they poked and prodded, I heard the words 'compound fracture surgery', mixed in with their paramedic mumbo jumbo. What was it with doctors? It would have been nice if they could talk in fucking English for once.

One of the EMT's moved my leg slightly, and I bellowed out in pain.

"Oh fuck, watch it! Did you notice the bone sticking out of my goddamn leg?" I yelled angrily.

"Calm down, you're not doing yourself any favors by getting worked up. My name is Bill. Here, take a few deep, slow breaths of this," he said to me as he handed me a fluorescent green stick.

"What is this piece of crap?" I stared at the green object in disbelief as I started to wonder about the competency of these guys.

"It's called a Panthrax stick, and it's all the pain relief you'll be getting until we get you to the emergency department, so I suggest you use it," the unnamed paramedic snapped, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. I've seen that look before. I've seen it in my father's eyes a million times - disgust.

If this was all they gave to people with bones sticking out their legs, I couldn't imagine what sort of impractical pain relief they would give poor Bella.

My mind flashed back to her chocolate-brown eyes looking scared and fragile. I lowered my head and closed my eyes as the stabbing pain of guilt crept up on me, but I pushed that thought away, reminding myself that this was an accident. This was not my fault. I didn't do this.

Raising the green stick to my mouth, I took a deep breath in and my brain was clouded with a delicious high. My leg still fucking hurt, but I felt relaxed and calm as the doors to the ambulance opened and my gurney was pushed inside.

Bill hopped in the back with me and the doors shut. He went ahead with his business of checking my vitals, attaching a blood pressure cuff to my arm and inflating it until my arm felt like it could rupture.

"Blood pressure is one hundred and thirty over eighty, which is good, considering what you've been through," he stated as he flashed a bright light in my eye, switching from one to the other. He inserted a IV into my right arm to attach a saline drip.

"So, I see your name is Edward Cullen, any relation to the great Dr Carlisle Cullen?" The look of excitement in his eyes sickened me, and I heaved, throwing up on his shoes.

"Oh god, don't mention my father," I said, patting away the vomit from my lips.

"Whoa, easy there, buddy. Here, use this," he said as he handed me a plastic cup. He smiled proudly at the thought of being in the company of someone related to my father. I blinked at him vacantly, and suddenly the flashing lights I was so excited to see earlier didn't seem so exciting anymore. In turn, what they were doing was taking me to meet my maker, literally, and that was not an idea that I was fond of.

Closing my eyes, I tried to block out my surroundings, hoping that I would evaporate before we reached our destination. But I decide that it really doesn't matter because Carlisle was going to fucking kill me anyway.

Honestly, death is better than having him remind me of every one of my fuck ups for the rest of my life.

The minutes before the accident flashed in front of my closed eyes. Tanya, arguing, phone, crash. _Fuck._ If anyone found out I was on the phone it was over. Even if I had already hung up, I'm pretty sure the cops wouldn't see it that way. _This is bad, this is very bad._

I shivered as the memory of the man hanging limply in Bella's truck flashes through my mind and I throw up all over myself. _I've ruined my life._

The lights and siren of the ambulance sounded one last time as we pull into the emergency department. The doors were pulled open quickly, letting the cool, damp air chill my skin. I was pulled out of the bus and they started to wheel me inside. _Wheel me to my execution._

As we pushed through the thick plastic curtains, Carlisle rushed up, in doctor mode, not yet knowing that I was his patient.

"This is Edward Cullen, two car MVA, vitals are good, blood pressure has risen to one fifty-five over ninety during transit. Appears to have a compound fracture of the tibia shaft, saline and panthrax administered. He's all yours, Dr Cullen." Bill rambled off my statistics and my father's eyes widened as he took in the damage to my leg.

"Thanks, Bill, I've got it from here." My fathers voice was cool and calm - scary calm.

"God, Edward, what have you done?" he whispered in a cold voice that made my blood boil.

"Well, I should have known, Dad. Of course it's my fault, fuck, thanks for the vote of confidence. There were two cars involved you know, but still, yeah let's blame it on me," I sneered at him.

"Edward, this is hardly the time, we will have to talk about this later, and right now you need a surgical consult. I'll go arrange it and I'll call your mother. I suggest you work out your story because she will want some answers."

"Nurse five milligrams of morphine, and I want a tox screen done. I'll be back, Edward," he said as he turned and left. Suddenly I felt very alone.

Hours seemed to pass, and I drifted off into a restless sleep, still hearing the faint beeping of heart monitors in the distance. _"Please don't leave me,"_ her words replayed through my head and I willed them to go away, but soon the screams of the girl trapped in the red truck echoed in my mind _"oh god something's wrong"_.

I felt a warmth sweep over my forehead and the feel of wet lips gently pressing to my skin. I stirred as the fog of reality slowly crept back to me. Opening my eyes, I saw my mother bending over to kiss my cheek.

"Oh, Edward, my boy, you're awake. I've been so worried about you." Tears streaked down her cheeks and her brow frowned with worry. She reached out to grasp my hand.

"Mom." Saying her name made me smile and I felt surrounded in my mothers love.

"I'm okay, it's just a leg, I've got another," I joked, trying to lighten the mood. As I woke up completely I noticed my leg felt heavy.

"Don't move darling, they have your leg in Black Slab. You're going to need surgery. Oh, my dear boy. Do you remember what happened? The police are outside; they want to talk to you. I told them they could wait and that no one would see my boy before I did." My mother's voice is soft and filled with love and a tear trickled down my cheek, as I knew I was going to break her heart.

"Mom, I think I'm in a lot of trouble. I was on the phone. Well, I mean, I had hung up the phone, but I wasn't paying attention. Mom, I think a man is dead; they'll send me to jail." The dam broke and tears started to fall from my eyes.

"Edward, look at me, you are my son, and your father and I will do everything we can to help you, but I want to know the full story. I will call your father and tell him to get in touch with Jenks; in the meantime I don't think it's wise to talk to the police without a lawyer present. Give me a moment to talk to your father please." And with that she left the room.

I sat in my little cubical in the emergency ward alone, and I started to wonder if Bella was still trapped in that truck. In reality I knew this was not my fault. My car had hit a pothole, and there was no saying that me being on the phone had anything to do with that.

If I was going to blame anyone it would have to be Tanya, because if she hadn't been whoring around none of this would have ever happened.

My thoughts were interrupted as the curtains of my cubical were moved and my mother and father stepped inside.

"Edward," my mother addressed me in a way only a mother could, demanding my attention as her eyes searched mine for the truth.

"Your father has called Jenks; he will be here first thing in the morning before your surgery. The police have been told you are too unwell to be seen, but they won't be able to be put off for much longer. Now I want to know what happened." My mother and father's eyes stared at me from across the room.

"I um, jeez, um…" I stuttered as I tried to recall the day's events that brought me to my current situation.

"I went over to see Tanya, this afternoon, but when I got there she was otherwise occupied, you could say."

"What the hell does that mean?" my father spat at me.

"Ah, Carlisle, it means she was bent over the coffee table with a cock shoved in her pussy. Got it now?"

"EDWARD!" my mother shrieked at me. "Have some respect, I did not raise you to talk like that, and especially in front of me." My mother had a way of making me feel like a chastised school boy, and I bowed my head in shame.

"Sorry, Mom," I mumbled.

"Anyway, Tanya and I got into an argument, I ran out but she called me when I was driving. I wasn't talking to her when the accident actually happened," I pointed out purposely.

"But I dropped my phone and I was trying to reach it when Penny found a pothole in the road. I just lost control." Lowering my gaze, I knew from the small gasp that left my mother's mouth that she no longer saw me as an innocent bystander, and that knowledge tore into my heart, leaving a gaping, raw wound.

My father's beeper started going off as I heard frantic shouts from down the corridor

"She's crashing, start compressions."

"I must go." My father's voice was final as he ran down the corridor.

Turning to look down the hall, I saw the motionless body of the brown-eyed girl who was once trapped in that over turned truck.

_God no, not her, please_.

**We love your reviews..So love it? Hate it ? Review it! :) If you dont review we dont know if you want more... next update will be next Monday**


	4. Mercy

**A/N - Ok, so we are putting up this chapter early and here is why. **

**We think its great that so many of you have read the story so far but that's where it seems to stop. When JL posted the last chapter almost 150 read it but only 8 of you reviewed. Thank you so much to those 8 people but we would love to hear from all the other readers out there. Please tell us if you like it or even if you don't. Feedback, whether it be good or bad makes us better writers and it also makes us write the chapters faster for you because we feel encouraged. Writing is not easy especially when you have to juggle it with kids and daily life. So please, tell us what you think.**

**So this chapter is Bella's POV of the crash and it does contain some sensitive issues. I am not medically trained so please don't yell at me if I have gotten something wrong after all this is fiction **** Here is Mercy ~E**

**Disclaimer - We do not own Twilight or any characters. Stephenie Meyer owns everything.**

The passion lost - taken, stolen  
The dreams we had and we shared - shattered, broken  
With kind words you'd come to soothe me  
But I go blind and filled with fear  
Would send you away from me

-Sarah McLachlan

Bella~

My head was killing me. It felt like I had been hit over the head repeatedly with a hammer. There was a sharp, stabbing pain behind my eyes and a ringing sound in my ears. I thought to myself that this could not be normal, and decided it was time to get up from my nap, and take something for the pain.

As I attempted to open my eyes, I found that it was a really hard task to do. I must have been in a deeper sleep than I thought. My body was tired from being on my feet all day.

My eyes finally opened, but my vision was blurry. I raised my hands and rubbed my eyes attempting to rub the sleepiness away, but it didn't help much. My hands travelled higher up my face to my forehead, and I instantly froze. My fingers came into contact with something moist and sticky, and I winced in pain.

I felt the panic starting to grow as I lowered my hands in front of my face. I still couldn't see clearly what was in front of me, but it no longer mattered; my nose automatically alerted me to the substance - blood. I instantly started to move around, trying to figure out where I was.

I was obviously not at home in my bed, because the position I was in felt like I was strapped down to something that was keeping me in place. I extended my arms to feel my surroundings. Every part of me was now hurting, and I started to whimper at the pain.

My left hand finally came into contact with something which felt like an arm, and all of a sudden realization hit me.

Laughing... bright lights... screeching tires... screaming... impact.

I quickly moved my right arm around me for confirmation and made contact with what felt like a door. Up higher I ran my fingers along something sharp; a window which felt like it was shattered.

_Shit, I'm in the truck. With Sam. On my way to dinner, and I'm hanging upside down... _

I had now gone into full-blown panic mode at my situation, and without thinking, I quickly tried to turn my body around. _Bad idea._

I screamed out in agony as a sharp pain ripped through my abdomen, but all I could think about was Sam. I started to shake him with my hand.

"Sam, are you ok, are you hurt?" No answer so I tried again, a little louder this time.

"Baby, are you ok? Can you move?" Sam had still not answered me back. Maybe he couldn't hear me. My ears were still ringing, and to me, my voice sounded like I was underwater. Maybe his were the same.

"SAM, SAM, oh god... HELLO! Can anyone hear me?" I was starting to find it hard to breathe, and I knew that if I didn't try to stay calm I was going to have a panic attack. If only I could just see better I might have been able to help us.

All of a sudden a stupid thought popped into my head. Maybe this was all just a bad dream, and that was why my senses were playing up on me. So I went with it, if only just to help calm me.

_It's just a dream. It's just a dream._

It was not helping. My breathing was still hard and labored, and if anything, it was worse than it was before.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see a blurred figure appear at the shattered window. I heard a muffled, "Are you hurt?"

I turned my head in the direction of the male voice. I could see a face, but couldn't make out his features.

"I hit my head on the dash. God, please. SAM!" I cried out, trying to regain control of my breathing, as I rested my hand on my stomach.

"Look at me. Sam is fine," the man said, but I didn't know whether to believe him, because Sam had still not made a sound.

"You need to calm down. The EMT's are on their way. What's your name?"

Because my hearing was fucked, I wasn't sure if the lilt in his voice was anger or not. But I didn't care. This man had just become my own person angel.

"My name is Bella. Don't... don't leave me," I said panicked. Even I could hear the desperation in my voice.

"What's your name?" I asked, starting to feel slightly light headed.

"Well, Bella, I'm Edward, and I haven't got any other place to be right now."

Some of the panic started to ease, and I felt a strange sense of calm wash over me at his statement. I tried to focus on his face, and I felt tears start to well up in my eyes.

My thoughts started to wonder. _Who is this man? Was he just passing by and saw the accident happen? Was he involved in the crash?_ My thoughts suddenly went to the passengers in the other car. _Are they hurt?_ I was about to voice this when I heard.

"So, Bella, when is your baby due? Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?"

I felt the blood rush out of my face as I processed the question.

_My baby, oh god._ I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick

"I… I... I can't feel my baby," I whispered as the tears finally fell.

_This can not be happening to me. No, no, no, no. Any minute now I'm going to wake up from this horrible nightmare, and when I do, Sam is getting rid of that truck. _

As I clenched my eyes shut I felt my angel's hand gently touch my stomach, just before a fierce pain ripped through me. I latched onto his hand and let out an ear piercing scream.

"What? What is it?" he said panicked.

"FUCK!" I screamed out through clenched teeth. The tears were falling fast now from the unbearable pain. My stomach felt like it was on fire, and I felt a gush of liquid between my legs, before it ran up my jeans towards my back.

_I can't handle this. This is not how it's supposed to happen. It's too early._

"The baby, I think I'm in labor. No, no, no, no, no," I choked out. "This is _not_ how things were supposed to happen. I'm only seven months; something is wrong. Oh god...my baby and Sam. I can't do this without him. Why hasn't he woken up?"

I could feel a sob about to burst out of me as I heard sirens in the distance, and I mentally willed them to get here faster.

Car doors start slamming and flashing lights hovered around me. My angel's hand was slowly slipping out of my grasp, and I could see him getting pulled away from me.

"No, don't go," I whispered, but it was useless.

I screamed out, "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE. Please... don't leave me here," I sobbed uncontrollably.

"Sam?...SAM?...WAKE THE FUCK UP, SAM!"

The sobbing was in full force now, and I was gasping for breath between them.

_Why is he doing this to me? Why won't he just answer me for Christ sake? Oh god, I can't lose him. I just can't._

I started shaking him as hard as I could in my current condition to wake him up, even if it was just to hear him make a noise. I couldn't manage that for long because another agonizing pain tore through my abdomen.

"ARRRGGGGHHHHHH," I screamed out, clutching my bump. Tears started to pour out of my eyes, dripping into my hair.

"Ma'am, everything is going to be ok. I'm here to help you."

I snapped my head toward the voice and another hazy face appeared. I assumed the voice belonged to a paramedic, and I reached out to him.

"Please, you have to help me and my husband. He's not answering me. Please... please tell me he is alright. Don't... don't let him die," I finally managed to say.

"We're going to do our best ma'am. My partner, Felix, is tending to your husband."

I looked over at Sam, and saw someone hovering over him. I squinted my eyes to get a better understanding of what Felix was doing, but through all the tears and blood that had dripped into my eyes, I was finding it very difficult.

"Ma'am, I need you to look at me while I ask you some question. Can you do that for me?" I reluctantly dragged my eyes away from my love, to look at the paramedic.

"Yes," I whispered. "I'll try..."

"Good, my name is Jake. Can you tell me yours, and where it hurts?"

I wanted to tell him that it was my heart that was hurting the most. That every second that went past, and Sam remained silent, my heart and soul was breaking into pieces that would never be able to be put back together. But I knew that he wouldn't be able to ease that pain, so I opted for the 'correct' answer instead.

"Bella...my name is...ARRRGGGHHHHHH FUCK!" I screamed into the chilly night air. "Please make it stop," I whimpered. "It hurts so much..."

"What hurts, Bella? I need you to tell me so that I can help you," Jake said as he turned my wrist around to take my pulse.

"My baby... I think my waters have broken, and I'm getting really bad cramps in my stomach and back. It's not time. This _can't_ happen yet," I choked out, panic clearly setting in again.

"Ok, first you need to calm down, Bella. It's not going to help you or your baby if you are all worked up. I'm going to put this brace around your neck, and this oxygen mask on your face, to help with your breathing. I want you to take nice deep breaths, ok?" I breathed out a soft reply yes, and he gently adjusted the brace around my neck, slipping on the breathing mask.

"How many weeks along in your pregnancy are you, Bella?" Jake asked me.

"Umm, thirty-two weeks..." I trailed off

"And have you had any complications during your pregnancy so far?" he asked.

I could feel another wave of pain starting to rise inside me, and I quickly started to gasp for the air coming through the mask.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god... no... ARRRGGGHHHH... FUCKING GET ME OUT OF THIS CAR NOW!"

I was starting to lose it. I needed to get to a hospital now. I couldn't have a baby in an up turned truck. I tried to turn my head and search for Sam, but the best I could do was turn my eyes toward him. I thought I could make out an oxygen mask around his face, like mine.

_That's a good thing right? It means that he is breathing and still alive._ I let out a shaky breath and felt some relief wash over me.

"Bella? Bella, look at me. I need you to look at me. Don't worry about Sam. He is being taken care of."

I looked back toward Jake, with tears in my eyes. He held up a light to my eyes and shone it in both of them, and then had a look at the cut on my forehead.

"Bella, can you see me properly? Does your head hurt?" I could hear the concern in his voice.

"No, yes...I mean...my head has been pounding since I woke up, and no, I can't see properly, everything is blurry. I also had a ringing in my ears earlier but that has gotten better."

"Ok, well I need you to try and stay as calm as you can, while we work on getting you out of here," he said as he took hold of my hand and squeezed it firmly.

"The door is jammed, so the fire fighters are going to come over in a second and free the door for us. Does that sound good to you?"

_Does that sound good to me? It sounds fucking fantastic._ I breathed out a "Yes," and even manage a small smile.

"What about Sam? You'll get him out too?" I asked, as I tried to look at his still body once more.

"Yes, Bella. Sam, too, but we have to get you out first."

I heard Jake turn and talk to someone outside the truck, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. He turned back and told me that the firemen were ready to get the door open, and that he had to step away for a minute, but he would be back as soon as the door was free. I turned to look at my motionless husband while the firemen get to work.

All of a sudden, I felt another gush between my legs, and a searing pain tore through my body. A deafening scream escaped me and filled the inside of the truck. I grabbed my abdomen and screamed again, as my touch was excruciating.

The fire crew seemed oblivious to the noise I was making as they worked hard to free me with their machines. I felt my back arching in the seat, and I started thrashing around in an attempt to get away from the pain inside me.

The loud noise of metal being cut stopped and I heard someone say, "Ma'am, are you alright in there? SHIT... WE NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!"

Jake was by my side again telling me to calm down and try to stay still. He asked where it hurt the most, and I pointed to my stomach. He put a hand on my abdomen and gently started to feel around it.

"ARRRGGGHHHH" I screamed into the face mask. Even though I had oxygen, I couldn't seem to get enough of it, and I started gasping for air.

"Bella? BELLA...can you hear me?" My only response was a moan.

"I can see you have some bleeding. The door is free so we are going to move you now Bella. I need you to try to stay calm." All I could do was moan again.

Within a matter of seconds there were paramedics surrounding me, ready to get me out of the car. I felt different hands on me, and heard "one, two, three." I was lifted and pulled out of the wreckage, and placed on a board as I let out another agonizing scream. I heard another count to three, and was then lifted and placed on the ambulance gurney.

Once I was in the ambulance, the doors shut, and Jake sat down next to me. The sirens blared out and we started moving I lost all control and became hysterical. "I... I can't d..d..do this," I sobbed uncontrollably. "I n..need my husband."

Amongst the pain and my crying, I was finding it hard to catch a breath. I was so scared about what was going to happen, I just wanted to hear Sam's calming voice and feel his warm, safe arms around me.

I was starting to feel really sleepy, and thought that maybe a little nap would do me good, especially if I was going to have a baby tonight. And it might ease some of the pain I was in. I had just started to dose off when I was jolted awake.

"Bella, stay with me. You can't go to sleep just yet," Jake said firmly.

"So tired..." I slurred. "C..c..cold..."

"You need to stay awake. How about you tell me a bit about yourself, what do you do for a living?" Jake asked, trying to make me stay conscious.

"Ah… umm… teacher… third grade..." I trailed off

"Wow, that sounds great, Bella. Do you enjoy it?"

"...not ready to go yet...Rosalie..."

"Bella? Can you hear me? My name is Jake. Do you know where you are?" I heard a male voice say in the distance.

I was feeling really light-headed, and just wanted whoever was talking to shut up. The pain was starting to dull as I closed my heavy eyelids. I felt calmer than I had all night, which was a very welcome feeling. I could feel my breaths getting shallower, but couldn't find it in me to be concerned about it. I just wanted to reach the peaceful darkness that I could see ahead of me.

I could hear someone telling me to wake up, but I just couldn't find it in me to do it. It was much nicer here in the growing tunnel of dark, where there was no pain, and I didn't have to deal with anything else horrible that could possibly happen.

I was hanging right on the edge, my mind was telling me to go back to the bright lights and voices, but my body told me to take the final step; to what, I did not know, but it felt really good.

"Bella? Bella? I need you to squeeze my hand if you can hear me. You need to open your eyes and stay with me. We're almost at the hospital...Bella?"

_I am with you,_ I thought to myself. _I'm right here._

I tried to do as I was asked. I felt a warm hand in mine, so I squeezed gently indicating that I could hear this person, but I was not going to open my eyes - I couldn't.

I didn't like it out there in the brightness, that was where all this horror first started. If I kept my eyes closed, maybe I could pretend it never happened. Pretend that my baby was still warm and cozy inside of me, and not attempting to make an early entrance.

"...my baby..." I more felt my mouth move, than I heard the words come out.

"We're here, Bella. The doctors are going to do everything they can to help you and your baby." I heard the voice say in the distance.

I thought I could feel myself being moved on the gurney again, but as quickly as that thought popped into my head, the most excruciating pain I had felt all night boiled over and spread through me, causing my body to lift, and me to let out a deafening scream.

I took that final step into the black.

**Sorry for the cliffy but I had to end it somewhere. So if you want us to continue with the story leave us a review otherwise we might think you don't want to see what happens between Bella and our beloved Edward. See ya Monday. ~E**


	5. Breathe Underwater

**A/N : Hey guys, here is chapter number 5 in EPO.. This chapter is pretty safe to read no tissues should be needed. It is some what a filler but it is really needed to sum up the events of the first few chapters so please hang in there...**

**~JL**

**Disclaimer - We do not own Twilight or any characters. Stephenie Meyer owns everything.**

**WARNING - Story contains dark themes which my distress some readers. Contains adult themes, language, sex, violence.**

"Here comes another fall from grace  
I'm always falling on my face  
This attitude that I embrace  
For the love  
I'm trying to replace  
I to kill the song  
'Cause the melody's all wrong  
And there's a fever coming on  
It's hard to recocile  
What I've become  
With the wounded child  
Hiding deep inside"

_Chapter song by Placebo- Breathe underwater_

Edward~

"I'll be back first thing in the morning, Edward, try and get some sleep. I'm sure your father will be by as soon as he has any news. Rest well, my dear," my mother said as she kissed my cheek and headed toward the door of my shared hospital room.

Apparently, being the son of the chief of staff didn't mean you would get any special privileges - like your own private room. I wasn't sure why that surprised me, considering my father's obvious opinion as to who was to blame for the accident.

"Mom?" I called. "I, ah, um, thanks for… you know, everything."

Turning around she smiled at me with tearful eyes and in that moment, I knew I had broken her heart.

"There is nothing to thank me for, Edward. You are my son and I will always love you, but please know that things can not go on the way they have. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your own life."

As the words left her lips a silent tear ran down her cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow, Edward," she said as she turned and left the room.

I was alone again. I rolled my eyes as I replayed her words in my head.

_"Take responsibility for your own life."_

I huffed indignantly to myself because those words were not hers. They belonged to Carlisle, and I knew that she had sugar coated them.

Shuffling around on the uncomfortable bed, I tried to find a position that allowed me some kind of rest. The pain killers had made my eyes heavy, but my mind would not stop turning over. I thought back to Bella laying on that gurney as the nurses and doctors tried to get her heart to beat again.

Shifting again I tried to brush away those thoughts because I didn't understand them.

_It's not like I wanted this to happen. It's not like I set out to hurt anyone._

I closed my eyes as I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

The noise of the curtain being opened woke me. I opened my eyes, and waited for them to focus on the figure standing next to me.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Edward?"

I turned my head toward him and his icy stare pierced through me.

"The man in that car died, Edward. The police are here and they want to talk to you before you go into surgery. Jenks is outside waiting so we might as well get this over with."

"Yeah, whatever, Dad."

_Of course Carlisle would want to get this over with. The cops being here to see the son of the Chief of Staff must be hard on that reputation of his_.

I saw Jenks walk into the room, fucking smiling as usual.

"Edward, it's good to see you. If only we could catch up under better circumstances for once.

"Hmmm, yeah…" I muttered as I rolled my eyes.

_God, this guy is such a dick._

Jenks seemed unfazed by my attitude and continued.

"Now, the police are outside. They are going to want to ask you what happened last night. I don't want you to mention anything about this phone call your father was telling me about, okay?

"But I wasn't on the phone at the time. I had --"

"Edward, just shut up and listen for once will you," Carlise cut in before turning to Jenks and giving him a nod to continue.

I glared at my father and clenched my jaw. I had a few choice words running through my head directed at my father, but decided to keep them to myself.

"I just want you to speak clearly, and describe the actual accident itself. Alright, are we ready?" Jenks asked.

"I guess so," I mumbled

Good, I'll go get the police. Just relax, Edward," he said as he left the room, and returned a few seconds later with two police officers.

"This is Crash Detective Crowley, and Constable Yorkie, they are from Crash Investigation. Let's get this over with, shall we gentlemen?" Jenks said in his usual jovial tone as he ushered the men inside.

Jenks was in his late forties, and had been our family lawyer for as long as I could remember – saving my ass on more than one occasion. Despite these good deeds, I hated him. He had the type of personality that could annoy the shit out of anyone. He was always arrogant, and had the ability to make anything seem like a game. I guess that was why he was such a fucking great lawyer; because the law really was like playing a game of cat and mouse.

The two cops stepped forward. Yorkie, was holding a ratty old notepad with chicken scratch writing all over it. The other cop, Crowley, was big and brawly, and looked like someone I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of. He looked me over with narrowed eyes, although his overall expression was blank and unreadable. I didn't feel so cock-sure for once.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I waited patiently for someone to fucking say something… anything.

"Judging from the crash scene, it looks as if you were speeding," Crawley said. He paused and stared at me for what felt like forever.

I said nothing.

"A man died last night as a result of your reckless actions. Do you have anything you want to say about that?"

"I, um, I dropped my phone, and ah... "

_Fuck, just shut up Edward!_ My inner voice screamed at me.

"My client has nothing to say on the matter," Jenks interrupted before I dug myself a bigger hole.

"Unless you have an arrest warrant, I think we will continue these questions at a later date," Jenks continued. His happy-go-lucky persona was gone, and in its place was a look of concern.

"I'm sorry for wasting your time detectives but Edward won't be answering any more of your questions today. So, if you will excuse us please, I'll contact you when he is available," he said as he pushed them toward the door.

My chest felt tight, and beads of sweat dripped down the side of my face.

_This is not good_.

Suddenly, I realized that I had just made things a million times worse for myself.

Carlisle moved to stand next to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. His physical contact felt foreign, and I recoiled, shaking his hand off my shoulder. The fact he felt the need to be fatherly distressed me more. It showed that even he knew I was fucked.

The look on Jenks' face said it all as he turned back into the room.

"Edward, you are not to speak to anyone without me present. This is going to be brutal. They are planning on arresting you for reckless driving, causing death. That has a maximum sentence of ten years imprisonment. Tell me you were not talking on that phone when you made contact with the other car?"

I had never seen Jenks look so serious.

"Jenks, I had already hung up the fucking phone, which is why I don't understand what all the commotion is about." My voice came out high pitched and whiny, and it fucking pissed me off because I'm not some fucking pussy who can't hack shit like this.

"I had hung up the phone, but I dropped it on the floor, and when I leaned down to pick it up, fuck, the car hit a pot hole and I lost control. It was fucking pissing down outside and shit, there was no way I could have been going that fast because I could hardly see a fucking thing. This is not my fault," I seethed because becoming angry was better then whining like a pansy.

Jenks eyed me up for a moment, searching my eyes for the truth. He must have found what he was looking for as his shoulders relaxed, and he let out deep breath.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that, Edward, because if your phone records indicate you _were_ on that phone, its goodbye freedom. The police are going to fax me the report, and as soon as that's done, we will know where we stand."

He then turned to my father. "Carlisle, don't worry, I'm going to do everything I can to keep this, and the Cullen name, out of the media."

I heard my father let out a sigh of relief, and I rolled my eyes at him. Of course, that was what Carlisle was worried about. All that fake sympathy and fatherly love, boiled down to one thing - keeping his fucking reputation intact.

Jenks rose from his seat and made an effort to shake my hand, telling me he would return later to fill us in on the police report of the accident.

Carlisle turned towards me, and the words he wanted to speak were plastered all over his face. Disappointment was edged into the creases of his forehead, yet he just fucking stood there glaring at me.

Out of nowhere the words, "I've frozen your bank accounts" left his lips. I sat there stunned, with my mouth agape.

_Who the fuck did he think he was?_

My eyes locked on his face in a gaze of pure hatred - he was clearly out to ruin my existence.

"How could you? Your own son. Do I mean anything to you?" I seethed, my anger boiling over, reaching an all time peak. "What do you expect me to do? Live on the streets?"

His eyes softened as he took a deep breath in and then letting it out. Shaking his head, he moved to place his hand back on my shoulder.

"Edward, you mean more to me then you will ever know. I have failed you. I should have done this a long time ago. You are twenty-six years old, son, and you have not yet matured into the man we raised you to be. Your mother and I have spoken. She wants you to come home. There will be no more handouts, no more money placed into your hands, and with your leg, you're going to need as much help as you can get. Coming home is your only option. That is, unless you know of anyone else willing to take you in?"

Not waiting for me answer, he hmm'd to himself, and muttered, "I didn't think so."

"I will get Emmett to alert the realtor that you will be moving out before the lease is up. This is the best thing for you, Edward," he stated matter of factly.

I was stuck for words so I sat there glaring at Carlisle. In fact, I didn't think there were enough profanities in the world to describe how utterly fucked up this whole mess was.

A pretty nurse entered my room, oblivious to the silent war of glares my father and I were partaking in. She moved to read my chart at the bottom of my crappy bed, and announced that they were ready to take me down to prep me for surgery. As they wheeled me out of the room my eyes never left Carlisle's, and for the first time in my life, I felt the emotion of pure hatred.

.......................................................................................

I couldn't believe Esme convinced me to wear this fucking tie again. It wasn't like it mattered how I looked anymore, considering my fate had already been decided.

I was completely over dressed, and I felt like a brown-noser because when it came down to it, people didn't give a fuck if I looked neat and tidy.

The ticking of the clock got louder with each second I sat in the stuffy building. I ran my sweaty hands through my hair and gave it a slight tug. Maybe physical pain could take away from the mental anguish I was currently feeling.

I rolled the selves of my collared shirt up to my elbows in an attempt to cool down. The door to the office creaked open, and a young guy wearing faded blue jeans and a plain black t-shirt popped his head out and called, "Cullen, Edward Cullen? You're up, let's go."

He ushered me into his office, moving around the other side of his desk, and motioned for me to sit down in front of him.

"So, Edward, my name is Jasper."

I scoffed at his name and failed to hold in my snicker.

_What kind of fucking name is Jasper?_

I immediately decided that he must at least be gay, not that I had anything against that type of thing of course, but it was good to know when I might have to worry about being hit on by a dude.

He cleared his throat to gain my attention, and I snapped out of my thoughts.

"Ah, hi," I said with a small smile.

He peered at me over the top of a yellow folder, raising his eyebrows.

"Let's see what we have here," he said.

Looking back down, he read from the file in front of him. "Edward Anthony Cullen. You were charged four months ago with reckless driving causing death. Pled not guilty but found guilty on the lesser charge of misdemeanor reckless driving. Sentenced to two-hundred and fifty hours of community service and a twenty-four month good behavior bond, hmm," he said. "Sound about right to you?"

Running my hands through my hair, the smile fell from my face at his arrogant tone.

"Yeah, something like that," I said as my eyes darted around the room.

_This is so fucking unfair, I shouldn't be here._

"Great, well let's get start then shall we, Edward?"

The use of my name annoyed the shit out of me, and I huffed and rolled my eyes.

_Yes, let's get this out of the fucking way so I can go back to my parent's house and enjoy what's left of my fucking brilliant life._

Life, if that's what you called what I have been living because nothing had been the same since that goddamn accident. Aside from having been found guilty of something that I didn't feel guilty of, and being forced to move back home to live with Mommy and Daddy at the age of twenty-six, nothing in my life was the way it fucking should have been.

With no inheritance, I had jack all money, and with the newly derived criminal record, I was finding it hard to find my feet. Not to mention having Carlisle on my back every other day about new job prospects.

My insurance money from Penny had dwindled away, because apparently I was a fucking pussy who was too scared to get behind the wheel of a car. I should never have gotten that fucking car to begin with, but thinking about the coulda, shoulda, fucking woulda, wasn't about to save me from the impending doom of community service.

"Yeah, let's get this out of the way. The sooner this fucking day is over, the better," I said through clenched teeth.

"Now, now, Edward, don't be so enthusiastic," Jasper laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "It might not be as bad as you think. I've had plenty of men and women come through my door expecting to hate every minute of their service, but they leave with a new found respect and love for people and the community."

All of a sudden I felt the heat rise up in me and boil over the top. What kind of drugs was this guy on, and who the fuck did he think he was, preaching to me about love and respect?

"Ah, yeah, okay, respect and love are two things I don't plan on picking up here anytime soon," I seethed. "Besides, I have respect. I respect a lot of things. I respect my mother, and I love her too, and since I already possess those two characteristics you claim I might find here, how about you just get on with your fucking job, and tell me what fun and enjoyable activities you have for me to do?"

I sat there staring daggers at him, waiting for him to kick me out or some crap, only he didn't bat an eye lid. He just turned toward his computer, and calmly started punching in keys.

"Hmmm," he said, tapping his pen on the side of the table. "I only have one thing suitable, unless, of course, you're willing to pick up trash on the side of the road?"

His smart ass tone made me want to punch him in the jaw, but I just nodded my head and waited for him to seal my fate.

"Forks Community Hospital is in need of a Lunch Orderly. You would pretty much just be handing out lunches, that type of thing, nothing really over the top. You might meet some nice folks… yeah... sounds good to me... I'm going to sign you up," he said paying no attention to my facial expression, as he punched one last key on the pad.

That key locked the door to my freedom, well, at least for two-hundred and fifty hours.

"Eh, I don't think so man. I mean, my Dad works there, and that shit just isn't going to fly with me. I can't be with him all day, and then all night at home. You must have something else?" Panic pulsed through my veins, because I honestly thought this couldn't get any worse.

"Sorry, Edward, it's done. I'm sure it won't be that bad - and hey, you'll be back here next week so you can tell me all about it then. They did tell you that you need to report to me once a week, didn't they? It's really important you don't miss an appointment as then you'll be in breach of the court. Then lunch deliveries really will be the last thing you need to worry about, if you know what I mean."

His cocky smile reached his eyes as he snorted at his own joke. He was fucking enjoying this. I shouldn't be surprised because nothing ever goes my way. I should have known I would end up with a tool for a parole officer.

Walking toward the door, he opened it, and held out his hand for me to shake, apparently dismissing me. I stood and walked over to him with my face about two-inches away from his. Looking down at his hand, I rolled my eyes in disgust, and walked out the fucking door, leaving my freedom behind.

Honestly, life couldn't get any worse then this.

**Hope you enjoyed.  
**

**~JL**


	6. Baby Mine

**A lot of you may have noticed that chapters went missing. Well the reason for this was that were are in the process of getting them beta'd so we took down everything and re-posted them with the new version. **

**Thank you to SandiCarr and Great Chemistry from PTB for help with this chapter.**

Baby mine, don't you cry.  
Baby mine, dry your eyes.  
Rest your head close to my heart,  
never to part,  
baby of mine.

_Baby Mine – Alison Krauss_

Beeping. I could hear beeping and it was really loud. Everything else was so quiet; too quiet.

_Where am__ I?_

I hadn't opened my eyes yet, but beneath the thin skin of my eyelids I could sense light.

My mind felt hazy, like it wasn't fully in my body, and I wasn't quite sure if I wanted it to be just yet. I was confused, and if I was going to be perfectly honest, a little scared.

_Maybe I should__ just go back to the darkness; it's safe there._

I felt safe being in the dark, and right now, I _needed_ to feel safe. I wasn't ready for the light. The light was harsh and could take things as it pleased without warning or permission.

_Did it take__ something from me? Is that why I feel scared being surrounded by it?_ _No. No, I can't be here yet. I need to get away, go back to the darkness. I need to go back to my safe place._

_.............................._

The beeping was back again, but this time it came with more noise - voices. Two voices, a man and a… woman? Yes, it was a woman, and she sounded familiar, but I couldn't quiet grasp the name of the person it belonged to.

_My mother?_

I tried to think for a minute.

_No_ _it couldn't be her; she was in Phoenix with Phil._

I tried to listen harder to the voice, but it was difficult. It seemed like there was some sort of static I was trying to break through.

"... hasn't woken up yet?" the female voice asked.

_Rosalie?_

Was Rose here, wherever here was?

"... body has been through a lot... needs time to recover..." the man's voice said.

_Who is__ this man?_

I didn't recognize his voice, but he sounded like he held some sort of authority.

"... best if I tell her... lost so much... needs me..." the female voice said.

_Best if she tells who? And tells her what? Has something happened? Oh G__od, I hope it's nothing serious, I would hate to be the one to tell someone bad news_.

I felt the haze getting stronger in my mind telling me it was time to leave again, that it didn't want to be around the light any longer. I couldn't have agreed more. I was starting to get an uneasy feeling again, so I didn't fight it, and returned to my safe haven.

.....................................................

Beep… Beep... Beep.

_Arrrrggghhhh__, when will this beeping ever go away_

"Bella?" I head a soft voice say. "Bella, can you hear me? It's Rose."

_Yes,__ Rose. I can hear you, but I'm not sure if I want to be where you are. I'm not sure it's safe._

She obviously wanted me to wake-up, and this was not the first time I had been on the borderline, but if I stepped over, would I regret my decision? Would I be able to go back to where it was safe if I didn't like it on the other side? No, probably not.

"Bella, sweetie," I heard as I felt a soft, warm hand take mine and give it a gentle squeeze.

I let out a small moan as I turned towards her voice.

_Do__ I really want to do this? _

I could feel myself getting closer to the point of no return. I tried to shift my body's position, but it felt heavy and a dull pain spread through my body making me let out another moan.

"Shhh, its ok, Bella. You're in the hospital. You're safe."

_I'm safe? __Is she sure? Or is she just telling me that so I will leave the peacefulness of the dark and enter the unknown? No, Rose, wouldn't do that to me, she is my friend__**; **__my best friend. If she said I am safe then I believe her. I should go._

I felt my head move slightly from side to side to shake the haziness out and I slowly tried to open my eyes. What should have been a simple task was really hard to do. It was like they were stuck together with glue.

I had never felt my eyelids this heavy before. I tried again, this time with more success. I felt my eyelids lift so that I could now see bright light through little slits.

_Oh no, too bright._ I closed them again and clenched them tight.

"Bella? Oh, shit, sorry. I'll turn down the lights." Rose - only she could swear and sound sweet at the same time.

After a moment, I heard Rose sit back down, and I tried opening my eyes again. This time it was much easier, and I was greeted with a friendlier, dimmer light. I blinked a few times to help my eyes adjust and then slowly looked around.

Rose was right; I was in a hospital. The beeping sound was coming from a machine to my left attached to me with cords, and I was lying in a bed covered with the classic white hospital linen and blanket. An IV was inserted into my left hand.

When I turned to my right, I was greeted with Rose's watery, blue eyes.

"Bella," she breathed out with tears starting to fall down her cheeks.

"I've been so worried," she said as she let out a sob. "I was so scared I was going to lose you... oh God. I'm so glad you're awake." She was crying hard now, so I did my best to try to soothe her, as she threw her arms around me in a fierce hug.

"Hey," I said softly my throat feeling raw and dry when I spoke. "Its ok, Rose, I'm ok. Shhh, please don't cry."

I felt like I had been run over by a train. My whole body ached and felt heavy. I could only guess how much pain medication was being pumped though my body right now, and my guess would be a lot.

Thinking of pain, I froze as I realized why I was here at the hospital.

_Oh G__od, the accident_.

Memories started flashing through my mind of being trapped inside the truck, pain radiating through my abdomen.

_The baby!__ How is my baby - and Sam? Where is my husband? Is he ok?_

Rose must have felt me tense up because she pulled away and looked at me with a concerned look on her tear streaked face.

"Are you ok? Are you in pain? Should I go get a nurse?"

I didn't answer her. I turned my face away from her and looked down at my stomach. I raised my hand from the bed where it had been resting and placed it where my bump was, only it was no longer there.

I stared at my abdomen, confused, for what felt like hours until I remembered I had gone into labor while I was in the truck.

I looked over at Rose and saw her eyes were on my stomach. She raised them up to meet mine, but the emotion I saw in them was not joy or relief, it wasn't even concern; it was fear. Rose had nothing to fear of me so I brushed it aside.

"Rose, I'd like to see my baby now."

_I ca__n't believe I am finally going to meet my child. I wonder if I had a boy or a girl._

"And Sam," I said. "Is Sam ok? Is he with the baby?"

I looked at Rose, waiting for her to answer me, but she didn't. Instead she looked down at her lap and started fiddling with her hands, which is something she always did when she was nervous or anxious. Alarm bells immediately went off in my head.

_Something i__s wrong._

I reached out as best I could from my bed and took Rose's hand in mine.

"Rose, what's wrong?" I asked panic starting to rise and evident in my voice.

She mumbled something under her breath which I couldn't make out but still didn't look at me. I was starting to get angry. I wanted to see my husband and child, and I needed Rose to snap out whatever sort of funk she was in.

"Rose!" I said a little harsher than I had meant. "Where's Sam? I want to see my baby now!" I snapped.

When she finally raised her head and looked at me, she looked so sad. Tears were pouring out of them at an alarming rate as she took my hand in both of hers. What came out of her mouth next I was not prepared for.

"Bella... there is something I need to tell you."

"Just tell me... please," I whispered.

I couldn't wait like this any longer. I knew what she was going to say would be bad. Anything that could make her that upset was not going to be good.

Scenarios were running through my head.

_Maybe Sam__ is badly injured and will be in hospital for awhile. Maybe my baby is too small and not developed enough yet to come home so would be spending time in the NICU. That's fine. All of that I can handle, as long as..._

"Sam and the baby... oh God, how do I say this..." Rose trailed off.

"Say what, Rosalie? Please... this is torture. Just tell me," I pleaded.

I could feel my breathing picking up pace and my anxiety growing as each second passed.

"Bella," Rose said grasping my hand tightly as a tear fell from her eye. "I'm so sorry. Sam... Sam and the baby didn't make it," she sobbed out.

I stared at Rose, trying to absorb her words and process what she meant.

_Didn't make it?__ What the hell did she mean "they didn't make it"? Of course they made it; no one could be this cruel and take away the two most important people in my life._

I pried my hand out of Rose's tight hold and placed it back on my stomach rubbing soothing circles.

"I don't understand. What do you mean they didn't make it?" I asked avoiding eye contact with her as I watched my hand move over my now empty baby bump.

"I mean... they... God, this is so hard. They... they died, Bella."

_Died._

_They died?_

_They are… dead?_

_They are gone._

"Oh," was all I said. It was all I could say. All I wanted to say.

_I was right; I shou__ld have stayed away from here. _

This was a bad place; a place that I didn't want to be anymore. This was a place that only held hurt and heartache; a place that held nothing for me anymore. The reasons for my existence had been ripped away from me, leaving me with nothing. I had nothing.

"I'm feeling a little tired, Rose. I think I might have a nap," I said with no emotion evident in my voice.

"Bella, did you he --"

"Close the door on your way out please," I said as I closed my eyes

"Bella, I..."

"Just go, Rose. I want to be alone."

I laid there with my eyes closed and heard Rosalie say something about coming back she left, and I was truly alone. Alone where I would stay until the dark came back and finally took me away from here for good.

...................................................................

"You really should eat something sweetie," my mother said as she walked into my bedroom and sat on the end of my bed with a look of concern and... what was the word l was looking for? Oh yeah... pity.

"I'm really not hungry. I'll get something later," I said as I continued staring out the bedroom window.

My mother had been here for the past two and a half months trying her best to fuss over me and get me to talk about the accident, but so far she hadn't been successful. I hadn't spoken to anyone, not even Rose, about what happened, and I had no intention to.

It was my loss, mine to deal with. No amount of talking was going to change what had happened. It wouldn't bring back my family, and it certainly wouldn't fix the huge gaping hole that had been torn out of me. Rose had tried her best when I first came home from the hospital, she even moved into the spare room because she didn't want me to be alone. But after a bit over a month she had had enough of my zombie attitude and called Renee.

I knew I wasn't looking after myself, but to be perfectly honest, I just couldn't be bothered. I could barely eat, and when I did I usually just picked at it, so most days I opted to just stay in bed, some days not even getting up to shower.

My bed was where I felt safe, where I felt the most relaxed, and it wasn't because it was warm and cozy, it was because that was were I could find the darkness. The darkness that numbed everything and made me feel nothing; where I belonged.

How she had expected Renee to help was beyond me. Renee knew nothing about looking after anyone. All through my childhood and teenage years, I had been the one looking after my mother, the one to pick up the pieces when one of her wacky ideas went astray. She had come to the funeral and offered to stay with me then but I had refused. I told her to go home, that I would call if I needed anything, but I knew that was never going to happen. I just said it for her sake, when really I just didn't want to deal with anyone else.

"Sam's parents stopped by earlier," I heard my mother say.

"Why?" I asked continuing to gaze out the window.

My mother let out a soft sigh. "To see you, Bella. They want to help".

I snapped my head around to face my mother. "I don't need anyone's help; I can take care of myself. Why does everybody seem to think I'm incapable of doing so? If I wanted help, I would ask for it," anger clearly in my voice.

"Isabella Marie, how dare you speak that way! Are you so wrapped up in your own grief to even realize that Nora and Marcus are suffering too? You won't return their calls, you won't see them. They lost their son and grandchild in that accident. This can't be easy on them, and what about me? I lost my grandson and I feel like I lost my daughter too. Even though you're physically here the rest of you is somewhere else. You are barely a person, barely living. Do you think Sam would have wanted you to be like this?"

_How da__re she?_

She had no right to say those types of things to me. She had no idea what I went through every waking hour. She had no idea what it felt like to have your husband and baby die. She just had no fucking idea - nobody did.

I knew I was about to say something that I would later regret, so I bit my tongue. "Just leave me alone, please. I just want to be by myself."

"No Bella, we need to talk. _You_ need to talk," she said softly and she reached out and put her hand on my shoulder. I shrugged out of her hold and leaned my head against the window as I wrapped the blanket around me tighter. I knew my action would have hurt my mother, and if I turned around, it would be evident on her face. So instead I just closed my eyes until I heard her leave the room and the door close behind her.

I knew that Renee was right. Sam's parents were in mourning just like me. But it was too hard for me to see them; they only reminded me of him, which then reminded me that he wasn't here anymore. It was all too much.

They were dealing with their loss by obsessing over who caused the crash. Trying to find out court dates and addresses of the driver in the other car - to do what? No information they got would change anything. The drivers name hadn't even been released, some legal technicality.

I, on the other hand didn't want to know anything about that night. It just made my pain worse hearing facts about it. So I didn't watch news, I didn't read newspapers, and I didn't listen to people talking about it. People knew this now, after several outbursts from me, and always stopped the discussion when I was around.

The one thing I did know though was how my loved ones died. The doctors told me that Sam died almost instantly. A piece of metal from the door frame had snapped off and impaled him to the seat on impact, and he had suffered head trauma when the car rolled.

My baby - my son, lived for forty-seven minutes after being born via c-section but had suffered severe brain damage from lack of oxygen, and his little body just couldn't cope. Placental abruption is what they called it.

What upset me most was that he spent those short forty-seven minutes alone. He never got to feel his mother and father hold him, never heard that we loved him and never saw what we looked like. I named him Lucas, he weighed a tiny 4Ibs., 2oz. and was absolutely beautiful. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life.

All I have are the few pictures that the nurses took while he was alive and a tiny ink print of his foot. The nurses brought him to me not long after Rose left that day in the hospital. He was all wrapped up in a soft blue blanket, so still and peaceful. It was the best and worst experience I've ever lived through. Wonderful because I was holding my child, the life that Sam and I created, and horrific because I couldn't keep him. I couldn't take him home and love and care for him how all babies should be treated.

Rose kept on telling me that I need to cry, just let it all out. But to cry, a person needs to feel some sort of emotion, whether it be pain or sadness, but I felt nothing; I felt numb.

I got up from the window seat I had been in all morning and went over to my bed. I didn't even bother to get under the covers; it was time to go back to the dark. There were too many memories for one morning, so I closed my eyes and returned to my safe place.

I woke up with a start from a strange noise coming from downstairs. I looked over to the clock on my night stand, 1.17p.m; I had slept most of the day away. This had become my daily routine since the accident. I didn't leave the house often, and if I did it was because my mother or Rose had forced me to. I didn't do any house chores; why bother? It's not like I had anyone to appreciate it. I just didn't do anything - except sleep.

I heard the noise again. What the hell was going on down there? It was like... I can't even describe the sound. It was like a roll of tape being unwound. Like... packaging tape?

I sat up on the bed and swung my legs down placing my socked feet on the plush cream colored carpet and slowly stood, making sure I was well balanced so I didn't fall over. I felt slightly dizzy, no doubt from the lack of food for the day, so I decided to head downstairs to check out what was going on and get myself a glass of orange juice.

I made my decent of the stairs and headed straight for the kitchen, feeling slightly more lightheaded with every step. I grabbed a glass and opened the stainless steel door of the fridge, yanked the juice out and quickly poured myself a large glass of the cold orange liquid. I finished the glass in no time and decided a second wouldn't hurt, so I poured another, placed the carton back in the fridge and headed into the living room to see what my mother was making all that racket with.

We didn't have carpet downstairs, so my feet slid slightly on the polished floorboards with each step I took. I almost slipped over as I walked past the stairs but quickly grabbed the railing, spilling a bit of my juice in the process.

"Shit!" I mumbled to myself knowing that I really should clean it up but not having the energy to go back to the kitchen for a cloth.

_I'll do it later__._

It was only a small splash on the floor; it wouldn't do any harm being there for a few minutes. I stepped over the spill and walked into the living room, but what I saw before me stopped me dead in my tracks.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" I seethed to my mother, anger building inside me.

Renee's head snapped over to where I was standing with a surprised look on her face. "Oh, Bella, you're up. I didn't hear you come down the stairs," she said as she turned away from me and continued what she was doing, not answering my question.

"I asked you what the FUCKING HELL you think you are doing?"

Renee stopped, and turned to face me placing her hands on her hips. "Isabella, do not talk to me that way, I am your mother and deserve some respect. I raised you better than that."

I couldn't contain the laughter that burst out of me at that moment, but nothing she had just said was remotely funny; it was plain ridiculous. My mother just stared at me with a look of confusion on her face as I continued to stand there cackling like a crazy witch, and I did sound crazy, even I knew that.

"Do you mind telling me what is so funny young lady?" she said to me like I was a child, and I laughed even harder. "Bella!" she said more forcefully but still not raising her voice completely.

"You are," I said trying to regaining my composure.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, you're what is so funny," all laughter gone, anger now seeping through.

"You're fucking hilarious, standing there all high and mighty like you're fucking mother of the year. You don't know the first thing about being a mother - about raising a child. I've been the one raising you since I was ten years old. The one talking you out of your wacky brainless ideas, and picking up the pieces when you did them anyway and they backfired in your face. So don't you dare stand there acting all parental and shit, treating me like the child, wanting respect. That's got to be earned, Renee. Now I'm going to ask you again and this time I want an answer. What. Are. You. Doing?"

My mother looked at me like I had just slapped her in the face, tears starting to form in her eyes, but I didn't feel sorry. I was too angry to feel sorry.

"I... I was putting away some of Sam's things; his clothes. I thought it would help you if you didn't have to be reminded of him everyday. I'm only trying to help you, Bella"

I looked around the room we were standing in. There were cardboard packing boxes everywhere. Some were put together waiting for stuff to be placed inside them, others were still laying flat on top of each other on one of the arm chairs. And then there were the clothes - Sam's clothes. Some I could see were already in boxes, others were still waiting on the sofa, neatly folded, waiting for their turn.

"Where?" I asked still scanning the room, taking in all that I had left of my husband that she was so willing to toss aside.

"Where what?" Renee asked.

"Where did you get them?" I said through clenched teeth. My hand was starting to shake still holding onto my glass of juice as I tried to control the anger boiling inside of me, waiting to explode like hot lava out if a volcano.

"Out of the dresser in your room. I just -- "

"I didn't hear you come into my room," I said as my eyes snapped back to her face.

"You were asleep, Bella. You're always asleep. I thought it would be better... easier... if I did this for you. It's been four months, and you're not getting any better, you're not even trying anymore. So I thought taking away the source of some of your pain... your constant reminders... that it would help you. That's what I'm here for, Bella, to help you through this."

_Oh, is that what she is doing is she? Helping me through this? Well excuse me for not heali__ng at a suitable rate for her. Excuse me for actually loving my husband and child and mourning their loss, and I hope one day she will excuse what I'm about to do next._

"ENOUGH!" I roared as I threw the glass I was holding at the wall to my left. It smashed on impact, shards of glass falling to the floor and juice running down the wall. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my mother jump as the glass exploded.

"I have had enough!" I screamed. "What is it going to take to get through to you? I don't need your help and I don't want your help. Ever since you got here you have done nothing but be up in my face _"Bella, you should really do this, Bella you should really try that, Bella, Sam wouldn't want this for you"._ Well news flash Renee, that's not helping. Have you ever thought about what I want? No, you haven't because you think you know what's best, but you know what - you know fuck all about what's best. Your husband didn't lie dead next to you while you were trapped in an upturned car in labor. Your baby didn't die after spending only forty-seven minutes in the world, scared and alone. You didn't have to leave the hospital with nothing and no one to come home to. So don't stand there and tell me you're helping...that you're doing what's "best" for me; because you're not."

By the time I was finished I was breathing so hard, I was struggling to catch my breath. I sat down on the floor where I was, cross legged, to try and calm myself, resting my head in my hands. Renee just stood there like she hadn't listened to a word I had said.

"Are you finished?" she asked.

"What!" I said and looked up at her from my spot on the floor.

She let out a deep sigh and shook her head. "This is exactly what I'm talking about, Bella. This little... little rant of yours," she said as she waved her hands in the air at me, "is helping no one. I realize that I may not be able to help you with this, that's why I've called a professional."

"You did what?" I shrieked, the calm I had regained gone.

"I made you an appointment with Dr. Cope; she seemed very nice on the phone. Maybe you will feel more comfortable talking to her."

I don't know how long I sat there going over her words in my head.

_How dare she, she had no right to do such a thing. I don't need a doctor to tell me what I should or should not be feeling. I will not be forced to do --_

"Bella?" I heard as I snapped out of my thoughts. "Did you hear what I just said? You have an appointment with her next --"

"Get out!" I said with no emotion in my voice.

"Bella, be reasonable, honey, you need th –"

"Pack your stuff and leave now!"

"I understand that you're upset with me right now, Isabella, but this is not how you should be handling the situ --"

"GET OUT!" I screamed. "Listen to me. This is my house and I do not want you here any longer. Get. Out. Now!"

I turned around; I couldn't look at my mother right now. She had tears streaming down her cheeks, and she had a look of shock and hurt on her face. I covered my face with my hands, and took a deep breath before I ran my fingers through my hair and slowly turned back around.

"Look, I love you, Mom, but... but I just need to be on my own for a while. I… I just need you to go."

"Bella... baby, I..." she said as she stepped closer with her arms stretched out to me.

I held up a hand to stop her as I stepped back. "Please... just... I'm going out for a bit. Just be gone by time I get back." With that I turned, grabbed my jacket and car keys and walked out the door, slamming it behind me.


	7. Before the Dawn  Part 1

**Thanks to every one who reviewed last chapter. Sorry we haven't gotten around to replying yet, but we will.**

**This is the first part of chapter 7 and it's another Bella chapter. Edward will reappear soon.**

**Disclaimer – Stephenie Meyer owns character names and setting. We own characterizations, plot and the story.**

Bella~

"Bella? What are you doing here?"

"Well, hello to you too, Rose." She was standing in the doorway gawking at me like I had something weird stuck on my face.

"Are you just going to stand there staring at me all day? Or are you going to invite me in?" I said, not even trying to hide the annoyance in my voice.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm just surprised to see you… _out_." I rolled my eyes and walked past her as she stepped aside and closed the door behind me.

Rose lived in a large two bedroom apartment complex just five minutes drive from my house, so the probability of my mother still standing in the living room wondering what the hell had just happened was pretty high.

As I walked into Rose's kitchen I could still feel her eyes burning a hole into the back of my head, no doubt trying to figure out what I was doing here of my own accord.

"What?" I spat out as I turned to face her, plonking myself down at her kitchen table.

"Nothing, I just… why are you here, Bella? Not that it isn't good to see you," she said, quickly trying to reassure me. "It's just that you haven't left the house by yourself since… well, in a while."

"What? Aren't I allowed to come and see my best friend for no reason? I can go if this is a bad time," I said, starting to stand up.

"No, no," Rose said, gesturing for me to sit back down. "Right now is fine - it's great. I'm really glad you came by. In fact, I was just about to call you to see how you were doing. I've been really busy all week and I just haven't had a chance to catch up with you. So, how are you, Bella?"

_How am__ I?_

Well I could think of a million things that I wasn't, but I doubted that was what Rose wanted to hear. She wanted to hear that I was getting better; feeling better about everything. About me, about the accident and about life in general; that definitely was _not_ the case. She obviously thought me leaving the house was a good sign, so I decided to stretch the truth a little.

"I'm fine, Rose. Everything is - "I was interrupted by the phone ringing in the living room.

"Hang on a sec; I'll be right back," Rose mumbled as she went to answer it.

I faintly heard Rose say "hello" and decided to make us some coffee while I waited for her. I had just finished placing both mugs on the table when I saw Rose standing in the doorway, an expression I couldn't read plastered on her face.

"Something you want to tell me, Bella?" she asked, placing her hands on her hips, looking at me for an answer.

I had a feeling that she now knew my real reason for visiting her, but decided to play dumb. "Umm, no - about what?" I said, sitting back down at the table and staring into my coffee.

"That was your mother on the phone, she was worried. She didn't know where you had gone. She told me what happened."

_Renee_.

When would she learn to butt out and leave me alone? I was a grown woman; I could come and go from my home as I pleased without telling people where I was going. Had she even listened to a word I had said before I kicked her out?

"Well," I said. "She had no need to worry. I don't need to tell her my every move. In fact, the sooner she's gone, the better," I replied, mumbling the last part under my breath as I took a sip of the scorching brown liquid.

"Bella, she only wants to help. Even though you might not like the way she's going about it, she means well."

I blew on to my coffee to cool it down a bit and then let out a heavy sigh as I placed the mug back on the table, staring at it.

"I know, Rose. I just need some time alone, I need space. I feel like I've been smothered since... since it happened. I just want to be alone for a bit - to process everything."

I looked up at Rose and instantly saw the hurt in her eyes. "Bella, we... I... I never meant to make you feel like that... I -"

"I know, Rose," I quickly said, cutting her off and reaching over to place my hands on top of hers, "and I appreciate everything you have done for me, I just really need this. You understand don't you?"

"Of course I do, Bella," she answered with a small smile. "Just remember, I'm here for you... for anything."

"Thank you," I nodded.

It was almost ten o'clock by time I got home from Rose's. We had ordered in Chinese food and watched a movie, and surprisingly I actually felt better. Rose had done a good job of distracting me by telling me about her hectic week and the movie had been an action film, so I hadn't reminded of my loss every ten minutes with happy couples. I had still picked at my food and stared off into space a few times, but I definitely felt better than when I had left the house earlier.

When I opened the front door and stepped inside there was thankfully no sign of my mother. There was a note on the kitchen bench saying that she had managed to get a seat on the eight-fifteen flight back to Phoenix, and she would call me during the week. I crumpled up the note and tossed it in the bin.

I walked to the living room and turned on the light, expecting to find a mess, but it was all gone. The boxes were gone and so were the clothes. Panic started to run through me and I turned and raced up the stairs.

I barged into my bedroom and went to the dressers. I stood there staring at the drawers. I hadn't opened Sam's drawers since the accident and now, when I really needed to, I was petrified. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking.

_You can do this_. _Just open the drawers to see if they're full. You can do this, you need to do this_.

I took a deep breath and reached out my trembling hands. I gently pulled and the drawer slid out, revealing that it was full of clothes. I exhaled heavily, not having realized I had been holding my breath.

I repeated the process with the other drawers and found that they too were full. I closed the last drawer and quickly stepped away, sitting on the end of the bed. My hands were still shaking as I sat there staring at the dresser. I knew that eventually I would have to go through its contents, but I just wasn't ready.

I changed into my pyjamas, which consisted of some flannelette pants and a long-sleeved shirt. I opened my nightstand drawer and took out the small bottle of pills and popped one into my mouth, washing it down with some of the bottled water I had on top of the stand. I climbed into bed and returned to my favorite place - the dark.

When I woke the next morning it was almost eleven-thirty. I lazily dragged myself out of bed and went to the bathroom to relieve myself. On my way out I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror; I looked like crap.

I had dark circles under my eyes, my skin was very pasty looking, and I had lost weight. My hair hung dull and limp on each side of my face in desperate need of a wash.

_I__ really need to take better care of myself if I'm going to prove to everyone that I can manage on my own._

I really felt like just going back to bed, but I reluctantly got undressed and hopped into the shower. The hot water felt amazing against my skin, and I couldn't remember the last time I had actually paid attention and enjoyed the relaxing sensation. I had been in there for probably fifteen minutes before I finally rinsed off the conditioner from my hair, and turned off the water to get out.

I wrapped a towel around myself and one around my hair, returning to my room to get dressed. I threw on an old pair of yoga pants and an oversized sweater, and plodded down the stairs while I quickly towel dried my hair. I was really hungry, and decided that I needed to eat something.

I put the wet towel down on the kitchen stool and walked around the counter to see what was in the fridge. I got my answer - not much at all. The fridge was almost empty.

_Geez__, when was the last time my mother did any grocery shopping?_

I found a packet of ham that was yet to be opened and still in date, and half a block of cheese that still looked and smelled fine. Luckily was a half loaf of still-fresh bread on the counter, so I managed to make myself some grilled cheese and ham sandwiches.

Once my breakfast was ready I walked into the living room with it, and sat down in the recliner to watch some television while I ate. I devoured the first sandwich while flicking through the channels, not really finding anything I was interested in. I settled on a re-run of 24, but even Jack Bauer couldn't hold my attention, so I turned the T.V. off, and finished my last bite.

I was stuffed. I had probably overdone it, and could possibly be seeing my food again later. So I put my chair in the reclined position and laid back, closing my eyes and trying to relax.

It was so quiet; too quiet.

The house was completely silent except for my breathing, which was starting to get heavier.

As I lay there, I realized that this was what it would be like for me now.

Me.

Just me.

Here all by myself.

No one to come home to after a hard day at work. No one to laze around with on the couch, watching movies with on the weekends. No one to snuggle up to in bed on a cold night. No one to cook for or eat with. No sounds of laughter echoing through the house. No one to read stories to before bedtime.

No one at all.

Just me and the silence…

Just me.

_Oh. My. God. I think __I'm going to be sick_.

My stomach rolled as all of these realizations came crashing down on me. I jumped up as quickly as I could from my chair. I wasn't going to make it upstairs to the bathroom, so I ran and made it just in time to throw up all my breakfast into the kitchen sink. I heaved until there was nothing left except stomach bile. I was shaking and gasping for breath, while both my hands were gripping onto the counter trying to keep me upright. I knew that this wasn't just because I had struggled for breath while vomiting; I was having a panic attack.

_Fuck, where are my pills?__ I need my pills._

I started pulling open each of the kitchen drawers, searching for the little white bottle. I was throwing things out onto the floor recklessly.

_I know that there__ is one in here somewhere._

"Where the fuck is it?" I gasped, struggling for a breath.

I got to the bottom drawer, and there they were. I grabbed the bottle and struggled with the lid. When I finally got it open, it was empty.

"ARGGHH!" I threw the bottle against the pantry door and fell to my knees.

I needed to calm down and think. My other bottle was upstairs in my bedside drawer; I needed to get up the stairs. I slowly rose to my feet, everything in front of me spinning. My breathing was still heavy and labored. Panicking because I couldn't find my pills was not helping me in any way. I staggered out of the kitchen to the stairs and grabbed onto the railing, dragging myself up one by one.

I finally made it to the top and practically fell into my bedroom. I crawled on my hands and knees on the carpet over to my bed, and yanked open the drawer to retrieve the bottle. My hand latched onto it and I flicked the lid open, causing some of the pills spill over the floor. I picked up one and placed it in my mouth, grabbing the bottle of water and swigging it down.

I lay there on the floor, still breathing deeply but feeling better, now that I knew the medicine would help me soon. I was on my side, staring straight ahead of me at the blank wall. I pulled my legs up to my chest so I was in the fetal position, and I waited. I waited for the calm to come and take me away.

The next day I realized that I needed to keep myself busy to prevent another episode like I'd experienced the day before. Sitting around would only make me think about things, and clearly that had not been a success. So as I ate my breakfast of toast with honey, I planned my day.

First, I would clean the house from top to bottom. I figured that it would at least take me two to three hours to give each room in the house a thorough clean. I would then have a nap and after that head out to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. I then needed to go to the drug store to get my prescription filled, so I would have a downstairs supply as well as an upstairs one.

Swallowing my last bite, I stood up, washed my plate and put it in the rack to dry before getting started. The cleaning took longer than I had expected and I still had the upstairs to do, but decided to leave that for tomorrow. I was pretty tired so trudged upstairs for a nap.

An hour and a half later I was on my way to the store. I was a little nervous as I drove onto the main street of town. This was my first public outing alone since my life had changed, and people were bound to talk. It was guaranteed when you lived in a small town, especially when the town gossips, Mrs. Mallory and Mrs. Stanley, gave it a helping hand.

Their daughters, Lauren and Jessica, didn't help matters either. They were the ones that fuelled their mothers' with the going-ons of people's lives, but usually twisted the information to suit what they wanted to gossip about. Usually it was so far from the truth that it was embarrassing or hurtful, because that was just how they worked. They liked inflicting pain on others for their own amusement.

As far as I was concerned; they were evil. I had been the source of many of their false stories, rumors, whatever you want to call it. Why? Because Lauren had always had a thing for Sam, but he had never given her the time of day. Even before Sam and I had met she would flaunt herself at him, only to be rejected.

_Pfffttt. As if anyone would want the life I have right now._

The supermarket came into view, so I turned in and quickly found a parking space near the front of the store. I didn't want far to walk if things turned for the worse while I was in there.

_Stop_ _it, Bella! That's not going to happen. Think positive, you're just doing grocery shopping. This is easy, it__ should__ be easy. Why am I making such a big deal about it?_

The way things were going, I was going to be all worked up before I even got out of the car. I rested my head on the steering wheel and took several deep breaths.

I let out one final breath, grabbed my purse and got out of the car, slamming the door behind me. I stood there clutching my purse under my arm as if it were some sort of life preserver. I stared ahead of me at the automatic doors opening and closing as people came and went from the store. I took another deep breath and mentally ordered my legs to move. I took hold of a shopping cart and walked through the doors.

I made it halfway through the store aisles, placing all the things I wanted in the cart fairly quickly and without too many stares from other shoppers. There were a few people that recognized me and gave me pity smiles.

They didn't stop and ask me how I was, or try to engage in any form of chit chat, which I was very grateful for as I had nothing to talk about. I was there to get my groceries and then get out quickly. As it was, I could feel my hands shaking as they gripped onto the shopping cart.

I was just rounding the aisle, ready to go down the next one, when I stopped dead in my tracks and dread ran through my body. There, looking straight at me, was Lauren Mallory.

I felt all the blood rush out of my face as I stood there frozen, unable to move. I might have even stopped breathing for a second.

_Fuck...__ this can't be good._

"Well, what do you know; Bella Swan does live amongst us. I see you've finally come out from your cave to the land of the living... how nice. How are you, Bella?" Lauren sneered at me.

Oh my God. Could this be any worse? My first run in with someone just had to be her didn't it? I needed to play it cool. It didn't escape me that she also referred to me as Bella Swan and not Uley. Even though I had kept my maiden name for the sake of my students at school, didn't mean she had the right to use it. Technically I was still a Uley.

_Don't show her __you're weak. Stay calm... stay calm ... nice deep breaths... Do. Not. Panic._

"I… I'm fine thank you, Lauren. I can see nothing has changed with you though... still as bitchy as ever."

_Holly shit, __I did not just say that did I? Do. Not. Panic._

Lauren gasped and glared at me. "Well, I wish I could say the same for you sweetheart, but I've seen dog shit on the side of the road that looked in better condition than you do. Not coping well without Mommy dearest?" she said as she eyed my worn-out jeans, creased grey t-shirt, and black hoodie.

"How... how did you -"

"It's a small town, Bella, people talk. Though I can hardly understand why they would want to talk about you," she spat as she turned her nose up at me in disgust.

"I mean look at you, you're nothing. I suppose it's for the best though... that Sam's not here to see you like this I mean. You never did deserve him. It would have been only a matter of time until he saw how worthless you really are and dumped your sorry ass."

The room was starting to spin. I needed to get out of here before I had an episode right here in the middle of the supermarket. Lauren would just love that wouldn't she? Knowing that she could bring me down like that. Because she was right; I was nothing. How could a person be so mean, yet so right at the same time? I could hear Lauren still rambling on about how pathetic I was, while I struggled with myself to remain calm. I was losing the battle.

"I have to go," I gasped out, abandoning my cart in the aisle and weaving through the other shoppers to get outside. There were so many people, why were there so many people? The shop seemed like it had become crammed with customers in a matter of seconds, as I fought my way between bodies and shopping carts.

Just as I caught a glimpse of the outside world through the exit ahead of me, a cart being pushed by a small child slammed into my left hip making me fall backwards landing on my backside.

It hurt. It hurt like hell but I couldn't be concerned with the pain right now. I just needed to get out. I was starting to feel claustrophobic, and I struggled for breath. I picked myself up off the floor, just as the child's mother stepped into view.

"Alec! I told you to wait for Mommy," she scolded the boy.

"Oh, dear, I'm so sorry; I hope he didn't hurt you?" I heard her say, but I ignored her question, and ran outside into the fresh air, making it to my car. I searched around in my purse for my keys, fumbling to get them into the lock once I found them.

"Damn it," I cursed, as I went through almost every key on the chain before the door finally unlocked and I could open it. I jumped into the car and closed the door, locking the vehicle against the outside world.

I leaned over the steering wheel, taking in huge gulps of air, closing my eyes.

_Calm down Bella,_ I told myself, _you know she said that stuff to you deliberately; just to get a reaction out of you, don't give her the satisfaction._

My mind was telling me to be rational, but my heart felt the words she had said.

I did feel like nothing. I was worthless. I couldn't bring my child safely into the world like a mother should. I couldn't bring myself to shed a single tear for my dead husband, and I couldn't even manage a trip to the fucking supermarket without panicking.

_Panicking over words, words from Lauren fucking Mallory_.

I started to feel very self-conscious and looked up to see a small crowd of people staring at me near the entrance of the shop.

_Shit, __I need to get out of here_.

I sat up straight, brushed my hair out of my face and started the ignition. My hands were still shaking but my breathing had become easier, as I pulled out of the parking lot and sped out of there.

_Great, __I still have no food_.

I had left my full cart just standing there in the middle of the supermarket. Even though eating was the last thing I felt like doing right now, I would need to eat at some point. I dreaded the thought of going back there.

There was one thing I decided I couldn't go without, and that was my medication. I really hadn't used the medicine that much for anxiety since I had been given it. There had been a few times in the hospital and the odd occasion when I first came home, but mostly I had used it for sleep. I didn't have trouble falling asleep at night, it was during the day that it was my lifesaver; bringing me the dark that I craved so much.

It wasn't like I was addicted to them. Most days I could manage to doze off and I didn't need them. I guess some days were just harder than others. My body fought what my mind wanted. I was obviously finding it hard to adjust on my own though, after having Rose and then my mother look after me. It was just going to take time. The panic attacks were just how my mind was dealing with that, right?

I pulled up to the drug store and parked the car. I sat there taking in deep breaths and tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, contemplating the best way to go about it without getting too stressed out. I was glad that I was wearing my hoodie because that was now going to be my protection. If I pulled my hoodie up over my head, hopefully no one would recognize me, especially if I kept my head down and avoided eye contact.

I may look like a drugged out wacko waiting for her addiction to be filled, but that was a risk I was willing to take.

I pulled my hood up, got the slightly crumpled prescription out of my purse, and made a dash for the entrance. Thankfully there were not many people in the small store, and the ones that were there, I didn't know. I made my way to the prescriptions counter and handed the pharmacist the piece of paper.

"Have you taken this medication before, Ms Swan?"

"Yes," I answered, as I looked up from my thorough examination of the counter and saw the middle aged man giving me the once over.

"Hmmmm," he murmured as he went to the computer and started typing.

"I see that you had this prescription filled only 2 weeks ago. Is there any reason why you're getting it refilled so soon? If you're following the directions correctly you should not need it to be re-filled yet." He turned away from the screen in front of him, looking at me over the top of his glasses with his eyebrows raised.

_Shit, __I didn't think of that. Quick, make something up_.

"Umm... my... my mother has been staying with me and she went through the house doing all her motherly type cleaning," I said, rolling my eyes slightly and waving my hand about. "She went through the drug cabinet too, and threw out the new bottle instead of the empty one by mistake," I finished, my face feeling slightly flushed.

"I see, well, tell your mother to be more careful in future. I'll do it this once but don't make a habit of it."

"Ok, thank you."

"Take a seat Ms Swan; I will call you when it's ready."

I nodded and turned around to take a seat in the waiting area "Geez, what's up his ass," I grumbled under my breath as I sat.

I was sitting there for about five minutes but was getting fidgety, so I decided to take a look around. I spotted a perfume stand over near the corner, so I wandered over to it. I hadn't worn perfume in... well, in ages. I had no intention of buying any, but it was better than looking at band aids or fungal cream.

I had tested just about every bottle on display on the cardboard tester thingy's and was turning around to go back to the waiting area when I almost fell over someone standing behind me.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there, I -"

"Bella? Is that you, dear?"

Great, just what I needed. It was Mrs. Wilkins. She was a lady that used to live next door to my dad when I first moved here. She had helped me out with a lot of stuff when I moved into the house, but she moved a year later into the new retirement village that had been built.

"Umm, yeah, how are you Mrs. Wilkins? I haven't seen you in awhile."

"Oh, I know, dear. I've been over in England, visiting my daughter. She just had a baby, a beautiful little boy, and I have been helping her out for a few months. I just got back yesterday."

My stomach dropped at her words.

_She just got back yesterday? T__hat means she wouldn't know about -_

"Ahh, that reminds me," her face lit up with excitement, "how is your little one? Last time I saw you, you only had a few months to go. So, did you have a boy or a girl? I bet that's why you're looking so tired, dear, the bub keeping you up at night?"

"I... uh..."

_This can_ _not be happening. This is all just a bad dream,_ I thought as I clenched my eyes tightly shut. _When I open them I will not be standing here being bombarded with questions about my dead son._

I slowly opened them.

"Is Sam doing enough to help you out? You know you should really let him get up once in a while during the night. You really look like you could do with a good nights sleep."

I looked down taking a deep breath, feeling the anxiety starting to rise.

_Oh G__od when will this day ever end. Need to breathe. Take deep breaths. In, out, in, out, in -_-

"Bella?" Mrs. Wilkins touched my arm softly and my head shot up and glared at her. She seemed oblivious to what was happening to me.

"What?" I snarled, though it came out more like a whisper.

"You haven't answered my questions. How is the baby?"

_The baby? __She wants to know how the baby is?_

Even though my anxiety was still high, anger was now seeping out of my pores. Why? I wasn't quite sure, possibly because of how horrible my day had been and I now needed to lash out at someone. Let it all out. I didn't actually blame Mrs. Wilkins for asking these questions, she didn't know any better if she hadn't even been in the country, but still, she was the one that was going to cop it.

"The baby?" I gasped out. "You want to know how the baby is?" my voice now starting to rise. "The baby is dead Mrs. Wilkins. He died, and just so you know the full story and don't ask me about him another day, so did Sam. They're dead!

I needed to get out of there now.

She looked at me like I had just spoken a foreign language. "What do you mean they're dead...I...I don't understand, Bella?"

Oh my God. How stupid could a person be? Did she need me to spell it out for her?

"Dead, Mrs. Wilkins. Passed away, died, killed, no longer living. Dead! There aren't many more ways I can say it. They. Are. Dead." I finally spat out taking a deep breath.

I needed to go. I had to get out of there.

_What is taking so long with that fucking __prescription?_

"I have to go," I whispered as I frantically ran my fingers through my hair

"Bella... I'm so sor -"

I didn't let her finish as I spun around and headed towards the counter. When I was almost there I heard my name called. I signed for it, snatched the pills out of the pharmacist's hands, and stormed out to my car as quickly as I could.

I sat in the driver's seat, my breath coming out fast and heavy, and decided to take a pill now so that by time I got home it would be in my system. I swallowed the pill dry, leaving a chalky taste in my mouth, and started the car.

I didn't even remember the drive home. I was to busy trying too erase the day I'd had. But I do remember taking another pill when I got home and collapsing on my bed, waiting for the darkness to swallow me.


	8. Before the Dawn  Part 2

**A/N: We must warn you that this chapter may be distressing to some readers as it contains a suicide attempt.**

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns all character names and settings. We own the story, characterizations and plot.

* * *

If only night can hold you where I can see you, my love  
Then let me never ever wake again  
And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away  
We'll be lost before the dawn

_-Evanescence_

Bella~

"Hello?" I said into my phone, groggily rubbing my eyes.

"Are you still in bed, Bella?"

"What? Rose, why are you...what time is it?"

_God, why is__ she calling me so early_?

I groaned in my head, rubbing my face with my free hand.

"It's almost midday, Bella. Do you...do you do this everyday?" her voice was hesitant.

"Do what, Rose?"

"Sleep half the day away?"

"No," I lied. "I'm just tired, I had a late night," I lied again."So, why are you calling me anyway, Rosalie?" I quickly asked, changing the subject.

"Umm, I just thought that I could come over tonight. You know, have a bit of a girl's night."

I rolled my eyes, "I don't need a babysitter you know. I can look after myself."

"I know that," she was quick to reply. "I just thought that you shouldn't be alone tonight."

_What? Why shouldn't I be alone?_ I scrunched my face up, confused.

"What do you mean, Rose? What's so different about ton-"

I was interrupted by a loud knock at the door. "Oh, Rose, I gotta go. Someone is at the door; I'll talk to you later."

"But, Bella, I -" I heard as I closed my phone.

The person downstairs knocked again, louder and harder this time. "Yeah, yeah, hold your horses," I mumbled under my breath, as I grabbed my black hoodie from my bedroom floor and went down the stairs.

I had just gotten both my arms in the sleeves as I opened the door to a large guy, studying the ground with both his hands in his pockets.

"What are you doing here?" I sneered, not trying to hide my unpleasant tone.

He looked up, "Oh, hi, Bella. Uhh, how have you been? You look..."

"I look what, Paul? Not happy to see you, that's for sure. Why are you here?"

I was starting to grow impatient as I leaned against the door frame, looking at the person that had been one of my dead husband's best friends. He was my... what was he?

He certainly was not my friend. He had made it blatantly clear on numerous occasions how much better Sam could do than spend his life with me. He thought I had been holding Sam back, that I had forced him to settle down and start a family. It wasn't until Sam had told him to suck it up and get used to me being around or the friendship was over, that Paul had cooled off with his comments.

"Look, Bella, I didn't come here to argue with you. I-look; I know we have had our differences in the past -"

"Pffttt, differences? Is that what you call them these days, Paul? My recollection of these so-called _differences_," I threw in the air quotations with my hands for dramatic effect, "seem to be somewhat different to yours."

He looked down at the ground again, taking in a deep breath, and shifting his weight from one foot to the other before looking back up at me.

"Listen, I know that this is probably too little to late, but I just want to say that I'm really sorry for the way I treated you. I had no right to say the things I said... fuck... I don't even know why I said them. You're...you're a good person, Bella, and I'm really sorry for everything that has happened."

We stood there staring at each other in silence, until I finally broke it.

"You're right, it is too little too late. You mean to tell me that after all this time, after seven fucking years, you're just going to stand here on my front steps and blurt out a mumbled apology?"

Paul was looking at me with shock written all over his face. I guess he was a little taken aback with the anger I was unleashing. Did he think he would say 'sorry' and all would be forgiven with hugs and kisses and we would be BFF's? He thought wrong.

"Sam has been dead for four months and this is the first time I see you, hell, any of you. You, Quil and Embry have avoided me like the plague since the funeral. Why the sudden change of heart, Paul? You can't have just come here for that. Why are you really here?"

I stood there with my arms crossed over my chest as Paul looked slightly intimidated back at me. "No. I... I came to give you this," he said softly, as he pulled out a small black box from his jacket pocket, holding it out for me to take.

I couldn't stop the snort that escaped as the little black box hovered in front of me. I had no idea what it would be, or even why Paul was giving it to me. Even though Paul had apologized, I highly doubted his feelings had grown that much for me that he was buying me gifts.

"What, now you think you can buy my forgiveness do you?" I asked, not hiding the amusement in my voice.

"No, Bella, it's from Sam."

I felt myself pale as I processed the words.

_From Sam_.

My head started to feel blurred and my breathing hitched as I pulled my hoodie tighter around me. _It can't be from Sam. Sam is..._

"You're joking right? This is some cruel joke you've concocted to make me suffer more, isn't it? Like I haven't already suffered enough. How can you be so cr -"

I felt strong hands on my arms as I was cut off, "Bella, I'm not being cruel. Sam had this specially made for you months ago. My uncle is a jeweler and I've been holding on to it for him. He was going to give it to you today, so I thought I would do it for him. So you know you're not really alone."

I scrunched my face up in confusion, "What's so special about today?" I whispered.

Now it was Paul's turn to look confused, "Don't you know what today is, Bella?"

I shook my head. "All the days are a blur to me; I don't pay attention to what day it is."

"Oh, fuck," I faintly heard Paul say under his breath. "Do you even know what month it is, Bella?"

"I'm not an idiot, it's July. Is this really necessary, Paul?" My frustration was growing. "Can't you just tell me what damned day it -"

"It's your anniversary, Bella," Paul blurted out in a rush. "Today is July seventeenth - your two year wedding anniversary."

He stood there at my front door looking at me with a face full of worry and uneasiness, waiting for my reaction to this information. I didn't know what sort of reaction he was expecting. Maybe tears, maybe shock or maybe he was waiting for me to explode and go all psycho on him. But I had nothing. I showed nothing, even though inside I felt everything.

"Oh, well thanks for coming around, Paul. For this…" I said, as I took the black velvet covered box from him with shaking hands.

"I really should get inside. I… I have some stuff I need to do. So... so I guess I'll see you later." I backed inside and started to close the door just as Paul placed his hand on it to stop it.

"Bella, I didn't mean... are you ok? Will you be alright on your own?" he asked, concern showing on his face.

"Yes. I'm fine, Paul," I said calmly. "Thanks again, bye." I put a little more force into closing the door, and I guessed he got the idea because he removed his arm and I clicked the door shut.

I stood there, my back flat against the door, waiting until I finally heard his fading footsteps, a car door closing and the loud engine of his truck reversing out of my driveway.

I hadn't realized that my breathing had picked up, and I could feel small beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I slowly slid down the door until I was sitting on the floor. I held the little box in both hands and gently put it on the floor in front of me, and just looked at it.

What sort of a wife was I? I hadn't even remember my anniversary, and it's wasn't like it just slipped my mind. I'd had no fucking clue. Even Rose obviously knew and that was why she'd called earlier, wanting a "_girl's night._"

"FUCK!" I yelled, as I ran my hands anxiously through my hair."I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't _want _to do this!"

I didn't want it to be my anniversary. I didn't want to be reminded about what I no longer had, and I didn't want my dead husband giving me gifts. Then it occurred to me that I _didn't _have to do this. I could pretend that this was just a normal day - nothing special. I stood up, grabbed the box and raced into the kitchen. I yanked open the cutlery drawer and placed the box inside, slamming it shut.

There, out of sight, out of mind - much better.

_God, why am __I so thirsty?_ _Water, I need water,_ I thought as I reached up to the cupboard and got out a glass, filled it with water and drank all of it in three gulps.

Still staring at the cutlery drawer, I blindly reached behind me to place the empty glass on the counter. I felt the bottom of the glass touch the counter top, and let go. But the glass hadn't made full contact and fell, smashing into tiny pieces on the floor.

"Shit! For fuck's sake can nothing go right for me?"

I gently walked on my tip toes, trying to avoid stepping on the glass shards until I was clear, and went to the laundry room to get the dust pan. I cleaned up the broken glass and realized I was still in yesterday's clothes, so decided to have a shower.

_Forget about what's downstairs. It's nothing, he got it __months ago, months before he... before the accident._

Even Paul remembered, and he wasn't even my friend. Paul had actually stood on my doorstep and told me it was my anniversary.

_You__'re a terrible wife. Paul is right, you never did deserve Sam. _

"STOP IT!" I yelled out to no one. By time the water started to run cold, I had washed my hair three times while I mentally argued with myself. I hopped out, quickly dried myself and got dressed in an old pair of yoga pants, a light-pink fitted t-shirt and an oversized dark grey hooded sweater. I made my way downstairs and found myself in the kitchen again.

_Distraction, I need a distraction,_ I thought as I tapped my fingernails on the counter top.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.

_Arrggh stop it!_

I walked into the living room and started pacing in circles. Each time I passed the doorway I would look toward the direction of the kitchen. This was no good. I needed to get out of the house. I could go for a drive; just drive around for a bit to waste some time. I definitely wouldn't be getting out and stopping anywhere. That hadn't worked out so well for me last time.

I grabbed my keys and slipped on my boots, I was out the door and at the car within minutes. I got in and just drove.

I drove into town; it was pretty busy, lots of people out doing their own thing without a care in the world. As if life was so wonderful - all flowers and sunshine. It made me feel sick, so I tried not to look at them.

_Just concentrate on the road__, Bella. _

I drove all the way to Port Angeles and back, without taking in anything that was around me except the road. I liked the feeling of not being part of my surroundings, not being part of society, not being me - not being here.

It wasn't until I stopped my car and got out, that I realized where I was. I was in La Push. Home of the Quileute Tribe - home of Sam. Sam was raised here in La Push, and he had brought me here, to this very spot, when he'd asked me to marry him.

So here I was, sitting in my car, at the top of a cliff that overlooked the Pacific Ocean. The cliff that Sam and I had come to so many times together. It was our spot.

The sun was starting to set and it looked like a storm was rolling in. The wind was picking up and I realized I had spent all afternoon driving around numb.

Why had I come here? This place held too many memories, too much happiness, too much pain. I didn't even know I had gotten out of the car until I was standing on the cliff's edge, looking out at the rough sea. My body was here, but in my mind it felt like I was still in my warm car looking at myself. It felt like I wasn't even here.

In my mind I saw myself pulling my jacket tighter to keep warm as the icy air blew against me. I saw my hair thrashing around wildly in the air as I peered over the edge at the rocks and choppy water below. In my mind I heard myself think about how easy it would be to just take a few more steps towards the edge, and just let go. How inviting the water would be; cold, vicious and hungry. It would swallow me, take me into the darkness, take me away and just...

I saw myself take another step closer to the edge and close my eyes. Behind those closed eyes I saw Sam's face smiling, laughing at something - someone. It wasn't me, he wasn't looking at me. The vision grew and revealed Sam, standing and holding a child, a baby. My baby, _our baby_.

"Lucas," I watched myself breathe out.

He was bigger now, healthier. He looked like a normal, healthy two-month-old. Here with me. Sam was now talking to Lucus. Pointing in front of them, pointing at_ me_. Lucus reached out his little arm, as if to touch something - to touch _me_.

I saw myself reach out too, "My baby," I whispered, as I went to take another step closer.

Closer to him, closer to them, closer to...

Suddenly I was back in my body as my head spun around to the noise of a car coming up the cliff. Once it came into view I could see it was full of teenage boys. They were all laughing at each other, as loud music pumped out of the car speakers. I turned back towards the ocean to my family, but they were gone. There was nothing there.

The car parked, and I could feel eyes on me as I stood there on the edge of the cliff. I backed away and then turned towards my car with my head down, avoiding their questioning gaze. I reversed out and made my way back home, the whole way constantly thinking about what had just happened.

_They were there, they were so close. If only those boys hadn't turned up __I could have been with them now - been with my baby. He was so beautiful. He reached out for me; he wanted me to be with him. We could be together again, how it was meant to be - a family._

As I pulled into the driveway it was almost completely dark outside and it was starting to rain lightly. I opened the front door and was immediately drawn to the kitchen. I needed to do this. The nagging inside my head was not going to stop until I opened the black box.

I walked into the kitchen and opened the cutlery drawer where I had hidden the box earlier. It was sitting there out of place, waiting for me. I moved a shaky hand towards it, but then stopped and pulled back.

_Come on Bella, don't be such a wuss._

I took a deep breath and let it out. I moved my hand towards the little box again and wrapped my fingers around it, pulling it out. I turned around, not even bothering to close the drawer, and made my way to the dining table. I sat down and placed the box in front of me.

I don't know how long I sat there just looking at it. Seconds, minutes, hours? The longer I sat there the more anxious I could feel myself getting. My breathing started to become a bit shallow and I felt hot. Really hot.

I took off my hoodie and dumped it on the floor. I could feel little beads of sweat forming on the back of my neck, and my legs started bouncing underneath the table. I willed them to stop, but it only seemed to make it worse. I felt scared. I was scared of what was going to be in the box. Scared what it would mean, scared of my reaction and scared of feeling _something_.

Since the crash, I had spent a lot of energy trying not to feel anything. Trying to stay in the dark where it was safe, where I felt numb. This little box represented a sliver of light that was going to try and take me away from all of that. That was what scared me the most.

I looked at the clock, it was almost seven.

_Ok, __it's now or never. _

As I reached towards the box, both hands were shaking. I slid the box closer to me and slowly lifted the lid. I gasped as my eyes took in its contents.

Inside the box was a gold, heart-shaped pendant with five diamonds across the middle. Hanging off the heart were two hollow gold hearts linked together. I turned the pendant over in the box and examined it. On the other side of the solid heart was an inscription.

_**You will always hold our hearts**_

A loud sob escaped me as I snapped the box closed and pushed it away from me.

_N__o, no it can't...he can't. Oh God, I'm going to be sick._

My stomach rolled as I scraped my chair back and ran up the stairs, only just making it to the toilet before my stomach emptied. As I hadn't eaten much all day it was mostly fluid, and eventually I was just heaving up stomach bile. When I couldn't bring anything else up I laid down, resting my head on the cold, hard tiles. My whole body was trembling.

_It's just another reminder that you're alone. The reminders will always be there, they will never leave you. Never._

"Why?" I whispered. "Why did you leave me? Why did you take him with you? My baby..." I breathed out, as I reached down with my left hand and touched the spot where he had been taken from me. The scar just above my pubic bone, and under my abdomen, that would forever haunt me.

"Why?" I said again as my voice started to tremble with what I had held in for so long.

"WHY?" I yelled out through a sob, as the dam finally broke and all the tears that I had been keeping inside since that day finally fell down my cheeks onto the floor. I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. My sobs were coming out hard and fast, and the room felt like it was going to explode from the sheer intensity of them bouncing of the walls and smashing into each other.

I pulled myself up off the floor, still sobbing, and tried to suck in as much air as I could. I felt like I was suffocating. Everything that had happened, everything that I had bottled up inside, had built and built and was now unleashing itself on me. It was closing in on me, pulling down the walls that my mind had built to protect me.

Standing at the sink, I looked at myself in the mirror as best I could through my tears. My hair was damp and hanging dull and lifeless around my face. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and I had dark circles under them. My face was pale, almost white and gaunt looking. I looked how I felt inside - dead.

I needed to get away; I needed to go back to my safe place.

_I__ need the dark. _

I ran into my bedroom and scooped up the little bottle of pills that was on my bedside table, and went back into the bathroom. I turned on the tap and filled up the glass on the sink with water. I didn't even bother turning off the tap before I started prying the lid off the top of the bottle.

This particular bottle had always been a bitch to open, and it wasn't proving to be any easier right now. I gripped the container in one hand and pulled the lid with the other; the bottle exploded, causing the white pills to fall into the sink.

"Fuck, NO!" I screamed out, desperately trying to turn off the tap and stop the pills from going down the drain. I only managed to save three and they were wet and starting to turn powdery.

"For fuck's sake! Arrgghhh, I hate you!" I yelled, as I ran my hands through my hair.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!" I screamed, as I grabbed the full glass of water and threw it at the mirror in front of me. The glass smashed into jagged pieces, falling into the basin and on the floor.

The tears started falling again as I realized the pills were useless and I had no way of escaping the pain.

_Fuck, what am __I going to do?_ _I will have to go to the doctor to get more… shit!_

Then I remembered I had picked up a new prescription at the drug store yesterday and it were still in my purse downstairs.

_Thank God for that dumb__-ass doctor that discharged me from the hospital. Giving me a three-month instead of thirty-day prescription…idiot!_

I hurried out of the bathroom, the pieces of broken mirror making a crunching sound under my shoes as I trampled over them. I almost tripped down the last stair in my eagerness to get to the pills. Now all I had to do was find where I had put my purse.

I walked into the kitchen and had a quick look around. It wasn't on the counter top or anywhere near the table, so maybe I'd left it in the living room. The little black box was still sitting on the table where I had left it. I felt like it was taunting me. I felt a pull to go towards it - to pick it up.

I went to take a step forward, but stopped myself mid-step. _Don't, _I heard my subconscious say, so I pulled back and retreated to the living room.

From the doorway I could see my bag laying on its side next an armchair. I must have just thrown it down carelessly last night when I'd gotten home, as some of its contents had spilled out. I picked it up and started rummaging through it, searching for the little container of pills. I came up empty handed.

"Fuck!"

The bottle must have rolled out. I had a quick look around, but couldn't see it anywhere.

_It must be under something_.

I tore the room apart looking for it, but still did not find it. When I finished, the room looked like a tornado had hit it. There were magazines and cushions scattered everywhere, and I was starting to become even more panicked at the thought of not being able to find them.

"No, no, no, no, I _need_ those pills; they have to be here somewhere," I said to the empty room.

My breathing was picking up again as I started running my hands roughly through my hair.

_Think__, Bella, think. _

Without even realizing it, I was on the floor and started looking under the couches. It was pretty dark under them, so I got up and started moving them around from their position, in hope that the bottle would suddenly appear. No such luck.

I was starting to get desperate, and obviously wasn't thinking logically, because I started opening cupboards and drawers that were under the entertainment unit. I mean, it wasn't likely that a bottle that had no arms or legs would get up and walk itself over the unit, open a drawer and get inside, making sure it closed the drawer after itself. But my frazzled mind must have thought that was possible.

By the time I finished, I had completely destroyed the living room. The PlayStation and Xbox had been completely pulled out, with controllers and cords in a tangled mess. The couches were all out of place, with some almost upturned. The rug had been moved and was now scrunched up on top of a chair, and I still had not found the 'happy darkness pills'.

_I don__'t remember taking them upstairs, but maybe I did?_

Just as I was about to wreak havoc on the upstairs rooms, out of the corner of my eye I saw a box in the corner, hidden behind a tall fake pot plant that my mother had felt the need to purchase during her stay.

_W__ho put that there? When did that get put there_?

I didn't remember seeing it the other day when I'd gone on my cleaning rampage, but then again I could have missed it, seeing as the end of the box was only just sticking out from behind the plant.

As I got closer to it I could see that it was a package and it was addressed to me, but the postmark was stamped two months ago.

_Hmmm, weird._

Why would it be just sitting there? Had it been there since it was delivered?

When I was finally standing in front of the box I could see that it had been opened.

_Maybe Rose or Mom__ opened it and put it there?_

For some reason, curiosity was getting the better of me and I felt the need to see what the box contained. I sat down cross legged in front of it on the floor, and opened the flaps of the box.

A loud sob exploded from me when I saw the contents, and I quickly put my hand over my mouth to stop any further sound from escaping. Staring back up at me was a box full of baby items. Baby blankets, beanies, mittens, tiny socks, sleep suits. The last item I saw was my undoing. Any control that I had over my emotions was completely gone, now that I had seen this one thing.

Inside the box was a Tatty Teddy. A Tatty Teddy that I had ordered online, and had had to have the moment I'd seen it. I remembered the day that I'd seen it when I had been shopping online. I had only intended on buying a few essentials, like clothes and blankets, but I had stumbled on this grey tattered teddy bear that was holding a little cuddle blanket that read:

_**Big cuddles from me to you**_

I'd known straight away that I'd wanted to give it to the baby when it was born. Something for him or her to always have as they grew, that would remind them of how much they were loved. Something that they could cling to and made them feel safe.

The bear had been a popular purchase by others too, because it wasn't in stock at the time so I'd had to wait for more stock to arrive in the store. Obviously that stock had arrived without me knowing, and had been sitting in my house for some time. Renee must have had it out when she was trying to pack things away in boxes last week.

_She was going to get rid of it? _

I hadn't even realized I was crying uncontrollably until I started finding it hard to catch my breath. I was clutching the bear to my chest and rocking back and forth like a small child alone and scared, waiting to be saved.

"This wasn't how it was meant to be," I cried, my face buried in the top of the teddy bear.

"You were meant to be here, with me. I love you so much and I didn't even get to tell you that. Why did you go?"

"ARRGGHHH, I can't do this anymore!" I shouted. "I can't be here without you; I don't _want_ to be here without you."

It was true. I didn't want to be here anymore. I felt dead on the inside. Everything that my life was supposed to be had been ripped away in a split second. I had no purpose any more. The accident should have taken me too, taken me with the rest of my family.

What was the point on letting me live if I was only an empty shell of a person; a zombie, walking around in the land of the living?

"Why did you go?" I whispered again through the tears, still rocking back and forth.

Then my savior arrived, in the shape of a little bottle filled with pills. It was lying there beside the box, staring up at me as if to say, _"Here I am, you finally found me." _

I stared at the bottle, memories of standing on the edge of the cliff in La Push flooding me.

_It would be so easy. I__ don't want to live like this anymore. I could just drift off to sleep and then wake up with my family. Everything would be how it was suppose to be. They are waiting for me. Lucas is waiting for me - waiting for his mother._

I wiped the tears and snot that had fallen from all the crying with the back of my hand and took a big deep breath. I scooped up the bottle of pills from the floor and went to the kitchen, still holding the teddy bear. I reached up to the cupboard above the sink and pulled out the bottle of vodka that was always kept there. I got a small glass and filled it up with a shot. I lifted the glass to my mouth and threw my head back. The clear liquid burned as it made its way down my throat, but the burning sensation was welcomed and I did it again.

I decided just to take the bottle with me and left the glass on the counter. On my way past I grabbed the black velvet box from the table, and carried it up the stairs with the alcohol and the teddy bear, into the bathroom.

I opened the black box and removed the locket. It really was a beautiful gift. I would have to thank Sam for it. I clasped the chain around my neck and the three hearts hung down against my chest. I took another sip of the vodka from the bottle and then placed it on the sink.

I looked at the pill bottle. They did help with sleep and to relax the body, so if taken in large amounts it should make me sleep for...well forever, right? Mixing them with the alcohol should definitely do the trick.

I opened up the medicine cabinet and found an unopened box of Advil PM.

_Hmm, I could__ take these too_.

I emptied the contents of the containers on to the sink top. I had thirty of my prescription pills and twenty Advil PM.

_How many should __I take?_

One by one I placed each tablet in my mouth and washed it down with the vodka until they were gone, I didn't bother counting how many I took, but it seemed like a lot.

I walked out of the bathroom toward the room that was directly opposite my bedroom. The room that had been closed up for months - the room that I was now ready to enter.

I put my free hand on the door knob and turned it; the door swung open and revealed the nursery. I walked in, taking a look around. Sam and I had finished decorating the nursery only a few weeks before the accident. We had gone with a star and moon theme, seeing as we needed something suitable for a boy or a girl. It was simple, yet beautiful. I knew Lucas would have loved it.

I sat down in the rocking chair by the window, starting to feel light-headed already. I pulled a blanket over top of me and cuddled the teddy bear to my chest.

I closed my eyes and thought of how it would be when I finally saw them again. I would hold my baby boy and hear him laugh and giggle. I would be in Sam's warm, protective arms again and we would be happy. We would finally be a complete family.

"I will see you soon," I said, as I hugged the teddy a little tighter. "I love you both so much, and we will finally be together forever."

I closed my eyes and waited for the darkness to finally take me home.


	9. Through the Glass

**A/N** Chapter beta - Bookgeek80

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns all character names and settings. We own the story, characterizations and plot.

* * *

Carlisle hadn't said much to me on the trip over to the hospital, although he may have grunted at me a few times, his code for 'I'm not talking to you'.

I hated being driven around like an incapable child, but still felt sick at even the thought of sitting behind the wheel of a car. That was something that Carlisle didn't understand, and as it turned out, he hated having to sit in the car along side me as well. I gained some satisfaction from knowing that and I made a point of acting like the child I didn't want to be.

Drumming my fingers on the dash I pounded away to the song playing on the radio. The track really wasn't my kind of music, but I knew it was one of Carlisle's old favorites. Watching him from the corner of my eye I saw his jaw clench tight in agitation, and I chuckled to myself under my breath.

"Edward, do you mind?"

I turned to look at my father with the corner of my mouth tilted up in a half smile

"Oh, sorry, Dad. I thought you liked this song," I replied with sarcasm. "No, you're right, it's a fucking piece of crap song. We should just turn it off and chat".

Shaking his head at me he gripped the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. His voice was low and calm but I knew for a fact he was pissed off.

"Edward, do you think this is a joke? Today is not a joke! This is my work place, Edward, and I have worked hard to gain the trust and respect of my co-workers. Respect might not be something high on your list of priorities, but God help me, if you cause any trouble here-"

"You'll what, Dad?" I sneered at him. "What will you do?"

"Don't test me, son," was all he said before he went mute once again.

As I walked through the automatic doors alongside my father, I wondered how the hell I had ended up here. This was not the life I was meant to be living, and it was the last place on earth I wanted to be.

My father turned to look at me with a stern expression, raising his eyebrows in a gesture that I could only assume was his goodbye. You could say Carlisle wasn't as excited as my new buddy Jasper had been about my community service placement. There was nothing neither he nor I could do about it, other than suck it up and get it over with.

Carlisle walked away with one last warning glance in my direction, motioning his head towards a group of people congregating in the ER foyer. I guess that was my cue to get moving.

Standing amongst the group of what looked to be degenerate newbies, excited about their first day on the job, I felt like I was back at school. All my old insecurities flooded back into my mind.

Two girls standing near me looked in my direction and smiled at each other; I immediately started thinking that they must be talking about me. I heard one whisper the name Cullen, and all of a sudden it dawned on me how hard it was going to be to go unnoticed in this place. Not because of my looks, but because I was the son of the great Carlisle Cullen, who in their brainwashed eyes was a God. I lowered my head and turned away.

"Please God, just let me get through this fucking shit so I can get on with my life," I sighed as I took a deep breath.

"Your first day of service?" A voice behind me said.

I turned to look over my left shoulder and saw a scruffy looking guy wearing faded blue jeans with what look like white paint stains, and a black t-shirt with the word _Freak, _written across in blood red ink. He moved to stand next to me and I couldn't help but notice the stale odor of cigarettes and the distinctive smell of body odour. I wasn't sure this guy had seen a shower anytime recently. Instinctively I took a step back when he extended his hand to me. Looking down at his feet, I noticed he was wearing flip flops.

_Freak. That's for sure_.

"Hey, man. I'm James. Don't look so nervous, this'll be a piece of cake. What's ya name?"

I looked up to make eye contact and noticed how cold and hard-set he looked. I could tell this wasn't his first time around, and that he'd probably been in more trouble in his life than I could ever conceive of. But I'd rather have someone to pass the time with than be sitting around looking like a loser. So I sucked it up, fell back into the Edward I knew, and grasped his hand in a firm shake.

"Uh... Ed... my name is Edward," stumbling over my own name I realized how much of a pussy I sounded. I straightened up and I gave myself an internal pep talk, telling myself to sort my shit out and start acting like a man.

"Are we in the right place? These pansy's kinda look like they're getting paid to be here," I said as I felt myself relax into my ego. I let out a low snicker, feeling more comfortable now I was in control of myself.

"Hmm, Eddie, you don't really look like you belong here either," he said as he looked me up and down, still grasping my hand. His voice was eerie, and it sent a chill down my spine. I brushed it off; having someone else stuck in this shit hole with me was much more appealing than being on my own. Letting go of my hand, he stepped back and smiled.

"What did you do to end up doing service? Rumor has it that you're the son of God," he said, as he raised his hands in mock praise and laughed almost hysterically at his own joke.

My palms started to sweat, as images of the overturned red truck flooded into my mind. The creaking of the metal echoed in my ears, and I'm almost certain I could hear the brown-eyed girl calling out to me in the distance.

My breathing deepened and a bead of sweat dripped off my forehead and down my cheek. I was pulled from my memories by the gruff sound of a male voice calling my name.

"Edward Cullen?"

Leaving my new acquaintance I looked around the person in front of me and immersed myself into the crowd, trying to abandon my memories. Facing this shit head-on was the only way to survive the next two-hundred and fifty hours of hell. Two-hundred and fifty hours of punishment I didn't feel I deserved.

The knot in my stomach clenched as I pushed past the last person in front of me. I came to an abrupt stop, face-to-face with a middle aged man wearing navy blue slacks, and a yellow and blue pin-striped shirt.

He regarded me with a disappointed look on his face, as if he was hoping that I would be someone else; that none of the rumors about Dr Cullen's son were true. Honestly, I was baffled as to why these people would care, they didn't know me and I didn't appreciate their pathetic looks of chastisement. They didn't even knew why I was there. I'm sure my father would have made up some excuse as to why I would be spending so much of my fucking time in this place.

"Walk with me, lets go!" His words were abrupt as he ushered me away from the group towards a waiting elevator.

We squashed inside next to an orderly and an old lady in a wheelchair. I looked down and saw a bag collecting her urine, and I inwardly cringed. This place was disgusting, filled with sick people and their disgusting germs. I was about to place my hand on the railing, but pulled it back before making contact. Not knowing who or what had been in here before me, the safest bet would be to stick my hands in my pockets and pray I didn't need to use them.

"Do you have a name? And… um, where are we going?" I said petulantly to the man escorting me to the pits of hell. I might be going to hell, but there was no way I was going without a serious attitude.

"Kitchen, where do you think, idiot!" he muttered in a low voice. "I'm Ben, and you can just drop the snotty attitude you have going on. I don't know what you did to be here and frankly-I don't care. You'll work, shut your mouth and stay out of my way."

I blinked at him, taking in the mountain of words he had just thrown at me. I was somewhat impressed. I made a metal note that he had a short fuse, because that sort of knowledge always comes in handy.

_But maybe not today._

The elevator doors opened with a _bing_, and we stepped onto the floor of the cafeteria. There were tables and chairs laid out as if we were back in a high school, except pimply teenagers were replaced with groups of stuck up doctors and nurses whispering in hushed tones. Probably talking about their next life saving surgery.

"Move it," Ben snarled as he pushed past me, heading toward two plastic swinging doors that looked like they hadn't been cleaned since the day the hospital had opened.

I thought hospitals were meant to be germ free, it was no wonder people died in these places everyday.

I slid in behind Ben, making sure to avoid the clear plastic door. The air reeked of what I assumed was meant to be food. There was an old woman with grey hair pulled tight into bun stirring a large pot on the stove. Looking down at her stained uniform I cringed at the thought of anyone having to eat anything she had made. I made a mental note to get Esme to pack me a lunch.

There was young guy elbow deep in a sink full of scummy water. He wore ripped jean cut-off's and a plain white t-shirt. As he picked up a large saucepan it dropped into the water, splashing his white t-shirt with dirty water. I tried to cover the laugh that escaped my lips by coughing, but the guy turned and glared at me with narrowed eyes and I saw him mouth the words, "You'll keep, pretty boy." The smart thing to do would be to apologise, but instead I raised my eyebrows and gave him a half cocked smile, whilst following Ben to the end of the kitchen.

"This here is the roster," Ben explained, as he pointed his finger at the piece of paper stuck to the wall like I was a fucking idiot. "It's in alphabetical order, so look for your name and find out where you're meant to be. The floor you're assigned to won't change; so don't ask me. The times you're meant to be here won't change either; so be on time. Here's your uniform, put it on and wear it every time your here. There is a cap on the back wall that needs to be on your head at all times."

I skimmed my fingers down the piece of paper and found my name; next to it were the words, Psych/L4.

Fuck, just what I needed, to be spending my time amongst the crazies. Two-hundred and fifty hours spent with people who think they are prophets of God, or worse, who think their lives are so bad that they need to off themselves. There was nothing I hated more then people who moped about their lives, feeling sorry for themselves. People just needed to suck it up and get on with it.

A meal cart was pushed in front of me, and the stench of hospital food filled my nostrils.

"Take this to your ward. Hand the food out and collect any menus, make sure you get them all. The room numbers are on the tray, don't get them mixed up. I don't want anyone dying from food allergies, so pay attention," Ben barked out. "Above all be polite. Smile and say hello, I don't care if it's a fake smile - just do it. When you're done, bring the cart back down to the kitchen and start on the pots and pans, then do anything Marla needs help with."

The old woman cooking at the front of the kitchen turned and waved at me, her cheeks blushing red. It's a look I was use to, even from the elderly. I gave her a wave and my sweetest smile. I knew I had already won her over as she turned even redder, and smiled at me with her big fake teeth.

_Piece of cake!_

Clearing his throat to gain my attention, Ben informed me that the lunch shift didn't end until precisely three o'clock, and that if I left a second before, he would report me to my parole officer. I stifled a laugh, for some reason I got the feeling Benny boy didn't want to be friends.

"There is another one of your kind waiting up on the floor for you."

I stopped and turned to look at him. "What do you _mean_, my kind?" I said in an arrogant tone.

Ben looked at me stunned, and huffed, "Another felon getting off easy, that's what I mean," and with that he turned and walked away.

I stood in the elevator with my meal cart, pulling at the uncomfortable yellow collar on my uniform; I defiantly wasn't setting any fashion trends today. As the doors opened and I stepped out onto the floor, I was greeted with a slap on the shoulder.

"Edddieeee, man, good to see ya again. Didn't I tell you this would be a piss in the park."

"James, I didn't think we'd be seeing each other so soon. You're on this ward too?" I asked tentatively, secretly praying I wouldn't have to deal with his annoying slaps on the back each day.

"Nah, dude, just today. The guy that's meant to be with you has some sort of stomach bug. He's been running to the shitter all morning, so they sent the pussy home. Apparently they don't need the psychos on the ward shitting the beds any more than they already do," he laughed.

I burst out laughing. Even though James was a dick, I had to admit that was pretty funny - and more than likely true. I slapped my hand down on his shoulder to show my enthusiasm, but I was not expecting the reaction I got. Before I knew what was happening, I was pinned to the closed doors of the elevator with James's hands around my throat.

"Don't fucking touch me, buddy. I'm warning you." His eyes bulged out of his reddened face, and he spat on my shoes.

"I'll be watching you, Eddie... Edward Cullen," his eyes made contact with mine as my focus started to blur.

Coughing and gasping for air, I grabbed his hands to loosen his grasp on my throat. Suddenly he released me with a sinister chuckle.

"Gottcha, Eddie," he laughed. "Oh, man, you should have seen your face. Did you piss yourself? He looked down towards my groin with a disappointed look on his face.

"You're all good man, c'mon, lets do this shit," his enthusiasm was way off bat, and I stood there coughing, trying to get my breath back. He took off down the hall pushing his food cart in front of him, while I grasped mine to hold me up.

I had never seen someone change so quickly. James was clearly in the ward he belonged - the crazy ward. Thank fuck I wouldn't have to see him again after today.

Looking around the corridor I noticed how quiet the ward was, there were no nurses or doctors running around like they do on the ER floor. I couldn't even hear any screams coming from the rooms, which really did surprise me. I had always imagined the loony bin to be a place full of dimly lit halls and rooms with padded walls. This place however, was nothing out of the ordinary.

The walls were painted a pale blue colour, which provided a strange calming effect, and bright fluorescent lights along the ceiling lit the hallway down to the nurses station. As I walked past an empty room I noticed it had one isolated bed in the centre of it, and that the room was separated from the next by a wall instead of a hideous white curtain.

_I guess they like to give the crazies some privacy.  
_  
I pulled off the list of room numbers that Ben had stuck to the front of my cart, and read the first room number out loud. "Room L4/18, curried sausages/potato mash."

_Mmmm, yummy. _

Looking around I saw the numbers L4/18 painted onto the closed door of the room opposite to were I was standing. Picking up the tray I took a tentative step towards the door and grasped the handle, as I pushed the door open I heard the angry tone of a woman speaking.

"Look, Renee, I'm here with her now... no she's not awake yet... after everything that's happened I don't think you coming here would have a positive effect... she won't be going home alone, she'll be with me."

I walked into the room, trying not to draw any attention to myself. Inside stood a blonde woman pacing back and forth with a cell phone clutched to her ear. She was strikingly beautiful, but as her eyes met mine, I noticed the fury locked inside them; it made me reconsider how beautiful she really was.

She cocked her head in the direction of the table on wheels. As I pushed past her like a little servant boy, my eyes fell to the chestnut hair sprawled out around the face of a young woman. My breath caught as the tray of food fell from my fingers, and I stood there frozen in place.

"No, maybe not, but she was definitely suicidal before you got here... Shit! Are you planning on cleaning that up?"

"Hello?" No, Renee, I'm not talking to you. I'll have to call you back."

"Um I don't mean to interrupt your little daydream there... Edward," the blonde chick said, as she pulled at the name tag pinned to my shirt. "But you've just spilled shit all over the floor. Geez, what kind of hospital employs waiters who can't carry a tray!"

I was unable to move as the memories of words spoken at the crash scene played in my head, "_Please don't leave me". _The anguish of the trapped girl's voice caused a stabbing pain in my chest and a bead of sweat dripped down the side of my face.

As the pain in my chest increased I snapped out of my stupor and looked down to see Blondie poking me in the chest.

"HEY! What are you, a moron or something? For Christ's sake, I'll get someone else to clean your mess up," she huffed, as she turned and stomped out of the room.

I took a step towards the bed. For some reason I couldn't walk away and forget her, which is what I would normally do in a situation like this; confrontation isn't my thing.

Slowly I reached for her hand, which was surprisingly warm. She was so pale and thin, you could almost think she was dead. I started to wonder why she would be in here of all places. The psych ward wasn't the place you would expect to see someone like her.

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I looked towards the end of the bed where her chart was hanging. It wouldn't hurt to look, would it?

_No one is around, no one would ever know_.

I let go of her hand and reached for the chart. Taking a quick look around, before I picked it up and opened the folder. My heart skipped a beat as my eyes registered her name

_Isabella Marie Swan-Uley_

The first few entries were just minor things from her childhood. I scanned down until I found what I was looking for.

I could barely read the doctors notes, but words that made sense jumped out at me. Valium... Panic attacks... Death of child... Overdose... Suspected suicide...

Drops of water splashed onto the page, and I raised my hand to wipe the water from my face.

_Fuck, suicide. Did I do this to you? _

As I lowered the chart and looked at the fragile women lying before me, her name fell from my lips in a whisper, "Bella."

I swallowed hard, trying to push my heart back into my chest where it was meant to be, but it only caused more discomfort. My chest felt tight and my breathing was exaggerated, I needed to get out of there. I dropped the chart onto the table and headed for the door, moving as fast as I could without bringing further attention to myself.

"Hey, where are you going?"

I pushed past the blonde women who was re-entering the room, past my undelivered meals, and headed for the fire escape. As the cool air hit my face I leant over the railing and vomited onto the ground below me. Sinking down onto my knees I could taste the salt from my own tears. The realisation that I had destroyed that woman's life stung like an open wound and I retched once more, throwing up sour bile.

_I am poison._

**A/N** Sorry its taken so long to update. Next chapter is getting bete'd right now so will be up a lot sooner than this one was._  
_


	10. Fight Inside

Disclaimer : Stephenie Meyer own all things Twilight. We own all characterisations, plot and story. Please do not take what is not yours.

Thanks to our wonderful beta Bookgeek80.

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Bella~

I had been in the hospital for six days, three of those had been spent in the fucking psychiatric ward. I wasn't supposed to be here; I was supposed to be with my family. If only I had remembered that Rose was coming over that night, I would be with my husband and son right now.

Rose had found me. When I hadn't answered the door that night she had let herself inside with her spare key. To hear what she had come face to face with broke my heart. I had never meant for her to find me like that. I had never thought... well to be honest, I hadn't thought much at all –- I'd just done it.

I didn't remember much about what had happened but from what I'd been told, it wasn't pretty. The doctors had told me that Rose had found me upstairs in the nursery, passed out on the floor in a pool of my own vomit. I had barely been breathing.

I had spent the first day in ICU on a ventilator. My breathing had been so bad that even the two antidote doses for the Valium hadn't been enough. Every doctor I have seen has told me how lucky I am that my friend found me quickly, because if she hadn't I might not be so well off.

_Yeah, I'm just so lucky. I have the best life ever. Let's have a party!_

One of the doctors decided now would be a good time for another chat; she entered the room and walked toward my bed.

"Do you people ever knock?" I asked rather coldly.

She didn't answer me, instead gave me a tight smile before looking over my chart.

"How are you feeling today, Isabella?" she questioned without looking up.

"Fine."

"Good. I see you have started eating again. Is the nausea better?"

"Yes, it's fine."

"Well, I can see that you're not in the mood for talking, but you have Dr Jones coming around to see you this afternoon. Maybe you'll be in a more talkative mood then."

"I doubt it," I muttered.

"Isabella, you really need to start talking to someone. Everyone is here to help you, and Dr Jones is a lovely lady. She is one of the best psychiatrists we have here. I think you'll really like her."

"I'm not crazy, I don't need a shrink," I replied through gritted teeth.

"No one thinks you're crazy. We just want to help you deal with your loss in a better way," she said, coming around the side of the bed and giving my arm a condescending pat.

"Yeah, well, I —"

I was interrupted by a quiet knock on the door as Rosalie peeked her head around the corner.

"Bella, I brought you some... oh, I'm sorry. I can come back later?" Rose said as she saw the doctor in my room.

"No, it's fine, we're just finishing up," the doctor said to Rose before looking back at me. "Remember what I said, Isabella. We're here to help," with one last pat she turned to leave.

Rose and the doctor exchanged small smiles as they passed each other, the doctor closing the door behind her.

"You look better today. Did you sleep well?" Rose asked, sinking into the chair beside my bed.

"I guess so," I said nervously.

Rose and I had not discussed what had happened, and I could feel the tension there between us every time she was with me. I felt like Rose was distancing herself from me. I knew that what she had endured would have an effect on her, but I couldn't lose her too. I decided that I needed to say something; I needed to make sure our friendship could get past this.

"Rose, I... I'm sor—"

"Don't!" Rose cut me off. "Just don't, Bella. I don't want to hear your apology. I'm the one that should be apologising to you."

_Huh?_

"I should have seen the signs. I knew that you weren't coping, fuck, Bella, you weren't even coping when your mother was here."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Rose thought all of this was her fault.

"Rose, stop! None of this is your fault. I was the one who did this; I was the one who... I just need to know that you're still here. I can't... I can't lose you too," I said looking at her through my tear filled eyes.

Rose jumped up from her chair and sat on the bed next to me, taking my face in her hands. "Bella, listen to me. Don't ever think that I'm not here for you. I'm always here for you – for anything. You're my best friend and I love you like a sister. I couldn't bear it if you weren't here. Promise me that you will never do this again. Promise me that no matter how hard it gets, you will come to me for help."

I looked into Rose's pleading, blue eyes and saw the fear in them. Her eyes were filled with tears but I could tell she was fighting them. She was trying to be strong –- for me.

But I wasn't strong, and the tears fell from my eyes. Rose wiped them away with her thumbs, waiting for my response. All I could manage was a whisper.

"Ok, Rose, I promise."

_I just hope I can keep it._

She launched herself at me and I was enveloped in a fierce hug. Even though I still had Rose, the all consuming numbness remained, eating away at me.

Rose pulled away from me, and I could tell that she still had something on her mind.

"What is it?" I asked, as I furrowed my eyebrows.

"I have something I need to discuss with you, but I want you to hear me out before you say anything"

"Ok," I said feeling a little worried. "What is it?"

Rose took a deep breath before she began. "I think it would be best if you come and stay with me when you get out of here," She looked at me expecting me to jump in, but I motioned for her to continue.

"I have plenty of room. I even thought that you could come and help me out in the shop. It would give you something to do and it would even be helping me out, I still haven't found a replacement for Bree."

Rose owned a florist shop in town and Bree, her assistant, had recently left to go backpacking around Europe with her fiancé.

"I really don't think it's best for you to go back to the house on your own, Bella. And your mother seems adamant about coming back to Forks again if you do."

I groaned. I did not want my mother coming back to Forks. I didn't have it in me to deal with her again, but I also didn't want to be treated like a child that couldn't be trusted on her own.

_Can you really blame them, Bella? You tried to kill yourself._

"I don't need a baby-sitter, Rose. And you can't keep watch over me twenty-four hours a day."

"Listen to me, Bella. I'm not baby-sitting you; I'm giving you an option. The doctors are not going to want to release you to go home on your own; you would be back in the exact same situation that got you here in the first place," she said softly. "You need help and I'm offering it to you. Once you're back on your feet, and I mean really back on your feet, you can go back home if that's what you want. I just really think that you need this time away from... everything,"

She did have a good point; there was too much pain and too many memories in that house. I really didn't know how I would manage going back there.

"Ok," I said. "I'll move into your apartment... on one condition. You give me space when I ask for it. I don't want to feel smothered and I don't want to feel like I'm under constant surveillance. "

"What about helping out at the shop? You need something to do, Bella. You can't keep just sitting around or sleeping the day away." Rose said.

"I'll think about it."

"Bella, you really ne—"

"I said I'll think about it, Rose."

"Ok," Rose said. "Well, I'll organise everything in the next few days. I'll go to your house and pack your clothes. Is there anything else you want me to get while I'm there?"

As the words left her mouth, my hands found their way to my chest in search for the necklace. It wasn't there.

_Where is it? Did they take it from me?_

Rose must have known what I was searching for, because she answered my next question before I even asked it.

"I have it, and the bear too. You can have them back when you're ready," She said, gently rubbing my hand.

I nodded.

"Well, I have to get back to the store. Mom has been helping out when I've been here. I'll be back later tonight, Bella."

"You don't have to come back, Rose. I'm fine, go home and relax," I said as I hugged her goodbye.

Rose pulled away. "You're not fine, Bella, and I want to come back, so I will see you then, ok?"

"Ok," I said, giving her a small smile. "But can you bring me something decent to eat; the food they serve here is disgusting."

Rose laughed. "Oh, don't remind me about the food. The people they hire to deliver it aren't much better. The guy that was in here the other day was a complete weirdo," she said, as she rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Anything in particular you want?" she asked.

"No," I said. "You don't need to go to any trouble, just a couple of sandwiches will do."

"I'm not just bringing you sandwiches, Bella. You need something better than that. Don't worry, I'll manage something. In the meantime, you concentrate on getting out of here. You seriously need to start talking to the doctors if you want to get out of here anytime soon," she said.

"I heard the doctor say that someone was coming around to see you this afternoon. Talk to her, Bella. You don't need to tell her your life story, but she needs to know that you're able to manage out there," she said, pointing to the window.

"I'm sure she will need to discuss your living arrangements with me as well, so mention them to her, ok!"

I nodded. "Ok, Rose, I will"

Talking about my feelings was not something I was used to these days, but if it gave me my ticket home I would. I could even lie if I needed to.

"Now go, Rose," I said, giving her a gentle push, "You need to get to work, and I'm feeling a little tired so... "I trailed off.

"Ok, I'll see you tonight, Bella" she said as she gave me one last hug, and then headed for the door. "Oh, and maybe call your mother, she really needs to hear your voice."

I internally groaned, but agreed before Rose left the room.

Even though I really did not want to talk to Renee I decided it was best to get it over with now. I picked up my cell phone from the bedside table and scrolled through my contact list until I found her number. I took a deep breath and hit the dial button.

_Maybe she won't hear it ring and it will go to her voicemail... please let it go to her voicemail._

"Bella!"

_Shit!_

"Uh, hi Mom... it's me."

"Oh, Bella, thank God you're ok, baby! I was so worried," I could hear her crying and in that moment I wished that I'd waited to call her. I couldn't handle this.

_Just tell her you're fine and get off the phone... make something up!_

"Yeah, I'm fine, Mom. Look, I can't really talk for long, I have an appointment soon with a doctor. Rose said I should call you so—"

"So you're only calling me because Rose told you to? Is that what you're saying, Bella?"

_Fuck! This isn't going how I'd planned._

"No, that's not what I meant Mom. I... I just—"

"You tried to kill yourself, Bella, and the most you can spare me is a couple of minutes to say hi? I think I deserve better than that. In fact, I think I deserve an explanation."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing from the woman on the other end that claimed to be my mother. A person that was suppose to be caring and supportive. A person that was supposed to love me no matter what I had done. A person that was supposed to put me above herself.

"I can't do this," I whispered.

"Excuse me?"

I spoke louder. "I said I can't do this. Please don't try to call me. I will be moving in with Rose and I will contact you when I am ready to talk to you. Do _not_ come to see me because right now I don't want to see the cold hearted, selfish person you have become."

"Bella, I am your Mother and I—" I cut her off. She was no mother.

"Only by blood, Renee. I need to sort out my life and I think you need to do the same," and with that final sentence I ended the call.

I rested the phone in my lap and rubbed my face with both my hands, they were shaking slightly. The fact that my mother needed me to explain to her why I had done this proved that she really hadn't paid much attention to me at all when she had stayed with me. She needed an explanation to make herself feel better. Well what about me feeling better? I was the one suffering.

I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I jumped when I heard the knock at the door. Looking up I saw a guy with messy bronze coloured hair standing in the doorway with a tray of food.

"S... sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just came to deliver your lunch," he said with a worried look on his face.

"No, it's fine. What delicious meal have you brought me today?" I said, my voice laced with sarcasm.

The man still looked worried... even scared, as he walked into the room and placed the tray down on the table.

_I wonder if this is the guy that Rose was talking about._

"Umm, I think it's lasagne and salad. Isn't that what you ordered?" he said.

"I don't think I've been given anything I've ordered. There's still a bunch of menus here that haven't been collected," I said, as I reached over to the bedside table for them then held them out for the man to take.

"Shit! Nice going, Edward," I heard him curse to himself as he ran his hands through his messy hair.

He stepped forward to take the menus, and I felt his fingers brush mine under the small pile of paper.

He quickly jerked his hand away from mine and took a step backwards. "Uhh, umm, sorry. I'll, umm, get these to the kitchen for you. Enjoy your lunch," he said, and rushed out of the room.

_Hmmm, that was... weird!_

The smell of the lasagne started to fill the room, and even though it didn't smell the best, I was hungry. I pulled the table towards me and removed the lid covering the food.

_Oh God, this looks gross!_

I picked up the knife and fork and cut a small piece of the lasagne off. The moment I placed it into my mouth I knew I couldn't eat it. It was overcooked and rubbery. I spat it into a napkin and decided to just eat the salad.

_I hope Rose brings me back something good._

Now would probably be a good time to take a nap. I would have to see the shrink soon and I needed to be on my game if I wanted to get out of here. I pushed the meal table to the side and slid my body back down in the bed. It didn't take me long to fall asleep.

I woke a couple of hours later and found an overnight bag sitting on the chair next to the bed. There was a note sitting on top so I got out of bed to read it.

_Bella, I dropped off some clothes and pyjamas for you to wear. I'll be back later tonight. Rose xox_

My lips tugged into a small smile as I read the note. Rose knew me so well. Now I could at least get out of this horrible hospital gown. I found some comfortable clothes and made my way to the bathroom for a shower.

On my way out of the bathroom I realised that the tray of food was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn't have to interact with the food guy again.

I was tired of lying in the uncomfortable hospital bed so opted for the seat near the window. I had only been settled for a couple of minutes before I heard a knock at the door and a doctor, probably in her late thirties, entered the room.

"Hello, Isabella, I'm Dr Jones. Do you mind if I come in and we have a chat?" she said, waiting by the door.

I rolled my eyes at her use of the word chat, because this was going to be far more than a simple chat about the weather or how my day way going.

"Sure... I guess so," I said turning back to look out the window.

I heard a scraping sound on the floor and turned to see the doctor pulling another chair over to where I was sitting. She sat down across from me with a note pad on her lap and what looked to be my medical file – it was quiet large.

"So, Isabella—"

"Just Bella."

"Ok, Bella, as I said I'm Dr Jones, and I'm one of the psychiatrists here at the hospital."

"I'm not crazy, I don't need a psychiatrist," I jumped in before she could go any further.

She gave me a small smile. "I don't think that you're crazy, Bella, but it is routine that someone that has tried to end their life be seen by a qualified doctor. In your case that doctor is me."

As I looked at her I remembered Rose's words from earlier.

"_You seriously need to start talking to the doctors if you want to get out of here anytime soon."_

"Fine! Let's get this over with then," I huffed.

"It's not just a case of getting it over with, Bella. This will not be the only time we talk about things. I can't authorise your discharge if I don't think you will be able to cope."

"I won't be going home, I'll be moving into my best friend's apartment," I rushed out.

She gave me another small smile; it was really starting to get on my nerves. "Well that is something that we will talk about, Bella, but first I would like to discuss other things."

_Oh God, what other things?_

I didn't say anything back so she took it as her cue to continue. "Don't look so worried, Bella. I'm not going to bombard you with a million hard questions. We'll start off slow."

I nodded and whispered, "Ok."

"Good! So how has your day been so far?" she asked, as she pushed her glasses up.

"Umm, it's been ok I guess."

"Did you have any visitors today?"

"My friend Rose came by this morning. She will be back later tonight."

"What about your parents? Have they been in to see you?"

"Ahh, no. My father has passed away and my mother lives in Phoenix," I said turning my face away from her.

"I see. Is your mother planning on coming to see you?

"Do we really need to talk about my mother? I thought you were here to talk about me? I said irritated.

"I am but I just want to get an understanding of what kind of support system you already have."

"I have Rose. My mother is... I have Rose, ok! Can we just leave it at that?" I said, starting to raise my voice.

Dr Jones wrote something down on her notepad.

"You seem very fond of Rose. How long have you two been friends?"

"Since I moved to Forks. We are very close; I think of her more like a sister."

"That's great! Well, I look forward to meeting her."

I nodded.

"So, Bella, do you understand why you are being kept in the hospital?"

_What, did she think I was an idiot? _ "Yes," I replied

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Well how do you think I feel being kept here like a prisoner?" I seethed.

_Fuck, why am I so moody? I seem to be all over the place today._

"Bella, you are not a prisoner. You're not serving a sentence."

"Feels like it," I huffed under my breath. "It's all up to you when I can go home, that seems like a prison to me," I said.

"Ok, let's look at it that way then. What crime did you commit, Bella?"

"What?" I said, starting to feel uneasy.

"What did you do to end up a prisoner?" Dr Jones asked, using air quotations to emphasis the word prisoner.

"I... I thought you were going to start off slow?" I said, trying to get away from this topic.

"I'm just following your lead, Bella. If you feel uncomfortable you don't have to answer, but this is something that will be discussed eventually. I'll go at your pace."

Why was I trying to avoid this topic? It wasn't like I was ashamed of what I had tried to do. In fact, I was pretty pissed off that my lame ass attempt hadn't worked. I really should have put more thought into it. Maybe next time...

_Except you promised Rose a few hours ago that you wouldn't try it again._

Nothing had changed though. I was still alone, so why would I feel any different about the situation? I was empty; I had nothing left in me to give to the world. My own world had been taken from me.

"Bella?"

_Just say it and it will be done. The sooner it's out in the open, the sooner you can go home. You're going to need to give her something if you want to get out of here._

"I tried to kill myself," I blurted out. "I... I... I just wanted to be with them," I said gazing out the window. "It's been so hard on my own." I turned to look at the doctor. "I just wanted to be happy."

Dr Jones looked at me with a shocked expression oh her face.

_Huh, I guess she didn't expect me to come straight out and say it._

"Well that's why you're here, Bella. We want to help you be happy again... but in a positive way," she offered a hopeful smile. "This is good, Bella. A lot of patients I see don't open up, they don't want help. Even though what we have discussed today is only the tip of the iceberg, it is progress."

_If you only knew what I was really thinking, lady_.

"I'll tell you what. We'll finish up for today but I will be back tomorrow at the same time. I will call Ms Hale and we will set up a day for her to come to one of our sessions and we will discuss your new living arrangements and your support system. How does that sound?"

_Fanfuckingtastic._

"Yeah, ok... that's fine," I said unenthusiastically

"Ok, great," she replied.

Dr Jones stood with her notepad and file and was ready to leave. "Stay positive, Bella. We will hopefully get you home soon. I'll see you tomorrow," and with that she left.

How gullible was that woman? I just needed to tell her what she wanted to hear and I would be out of this place. This was going to be a walk in the park.

_I wouldn't be so sure about that, Bella._

I rolled my eyes at my internal dialogue as I heard the food cart being wheeled down the corridor. I wonder what vomit inducing creation they were serving me for dinner. Thank God Rose would be here soon.

It took about ten minutes fort the cart to reach my room, and the weird guy from lunch was the one to deliver it.

As he walked into the room I could see him whispering to himself under his breath, though I couldn't make out what he was saying. It looked like he was giving himself a pep talk or something. He looked quite amusing, and I tried to hide the smile that was forming on my face by biting my lip. When he looked up he seemed extremely nervous.

_It's because he thinks you're crazy._

"Umm, do you just want me to put it here?" he said, gesturing to the table near the end of the bed.

He was looking at me strangely and I started to feel uncomfortable under his gaze. Hadn't anyone told him it was rude to stare?

I shrugged my shoulders "You can throw it in the trash for all I care. I'm not eating that shit," I said casually.

He looked at me blankly for a few seconds before a crooked grin spread across his face. As I saw that crooked grin, the words just poured forth.

"What, you find the crazy girl amusing do you? You think you're better than me because you're not locked up in the crazy ward? Well, screw you!"

I immediately felt bad but the grin disappeared from his face as he looked down to the floor.

I sighed. "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't me—"

"I don't think you're crazy," he interrupted, looking up to meet me with sad eyes.

"What?" I replied, confused by his reaction.

"I said I don't think you're crazy. In the short time that I've been here I've seen my fair share of fucked up crazy people, and you're definitely not one of them."

As I met his gaze it seemed as if there were a million different emotions floating around.

"But I totally agree with you about the food, it's some seriously fucked up shit," he said as the grin started to re-appear.

I couldn't help but smile back at him.

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A/N : Sorry that we haven't replied to the reviews but please know that we read all of them and appreciate them so much. Tell us what you think of the chapter and one of us will definitely reply this time...we promise!


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